As requested by one of the select few, here is the list:
Michael Krebill.
Tommy King.
Drew Herlein.
Quinton Alexander.
Jamer Zelmanski.
Ben McGill.
Ok, that is all.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Deep.
No, this post has NOTHING to do with Valentines day ... other than what I just posted.
I've been wanting to post this for awhile, but I've never really sat down and typed it all out. Well, everything I've wanted to say about it. So here it goes. I think I'm ready, and in a way, I'm excited. I feel like this is going to help someone. And if it does, please let me know.
7th grade, a new girl came to our school. She was beautiful, and funny, and nice, and everyone wanted to be friends with her. I became decent friends with her, and we talked on a daily basis. We had this notebook that we passed back and forth with notes to eachother. We told eachother our deepest secrets, and things we wanted no one else to know. Eventually, the topic of self harm came up, and she confessed that she would cut herself. She told me she would take the spring out of the side of a spiral notebook, and cut her forearm with it. Since she was so popular, I decided I wanted to do the same thing to be "cool" like her, and draw major attention to myself. So I began cutting myself as well, but instead of a spring, I took an actual razor. After awhile, she stopped cutting herself and was done for good. Her and I then stopped being friends, and I became "close" with another girl in my classes. She was, as I called, a "major" cutter as well. She used a razor, she even popped pills at times. Her and I also had a notebook we passed with notes. I wrote something in there to her about me being sexually assaulted and how I wanted to commit suicide. I had been lying about the sexual asssault ... not so much the suicide. She turned it into my school councelor, who then called my parents. I was taken to the hospital, and had to stay for a few hours under "suicide watch" if you will. They asked me tons of questions, had me tested for things, and I had to talk to 3 different councelors. Finally, I was released and they let me go home. My mom made me see a Christian councelor after school a few days a week, and I talked to my school councelor. By the end of my 7th grade year, I had everyone convinced I was fine again, and was done cutting/pill popping.
But then came 8th grade year.
The summer of 8th grade, I was a horrible kid ... I truly was. I got high, I got drunk, I smoked Newports and bragged about it. I sexted (yeah, in 8th grade), and I cussed more than anyone I knew. I claimed I was a Christin then, because I went to church, so I was saved back then. But during my 8th grade year, something just hit me: I became depressed like crazy. I went back to cutting, and got serious. I wasn't doing it for attention anymore, I was doing it because I was hurt, I was searching for something. I would go to Target, with my mom, and buy razors (not shaving razors, like arts&crafts razors), and tons of erasers (I would erase my skin to wear it broke, and got infected and burnt like fire). After about a month or so, I had 2 or 3 different cutting razors, a knife, erasers and scissors in a make up bag I carried with me, for "on the go" problems. I would cut everywhere I went ... school, home, the mall, even church. I remember going to a modeling meeting, and I was so stressed out by something my mom did, that I ran to the bathroom balling my eyes out just cutting my arm in every place I saw; it was crazy, because nobody actually knew.
In math class one day, I took my wallet out to show a kid sitting next to me my ID, and I happened to have a razor blade in the clear pocket of my wallet. He saw it, and took it out of my purse when I left. He took it to the principals office. I was called down to the office that day, and was asked what it was. I told him it was a razor, while extremely scared. He asked me why it was in my purse, and all I could do was show him my arm. He called my cheerleading coach, my mom, and my councelor all to the office. Needless to say, I was released from the cheerleading team, had more meeting set up for when I got back from suspension, and was suspended for having a razor on school property. He gave me 5 days instead of 10, for my reasoning. During those 5 days, I was in and out of counceling and had to give my mom all my "utencils". Those 5 days were some of the roughest. I went back to school, and played it off as fine ... again. Some time went by, and again I was back to buying razors and cutting. I remember one night I just couldn't take it anymore. I went downstairs crying to my mom, and just showed her my arm ... I didn't know what to say or do, I just needed to tell someone. We went upstairs in my room crying, and just talked. Well, tried. We were both so torn up, there wasn't a whole lot to say.
I finally got rid of everything, and started going to church. I met with a few leaders from church who truly guided me, and helped me through that situation. They led me to Christ, who has saved me and set me free from that depressive state.
Man. Sitting here writing this I've been crying. Its so crazy to think back on those days, and see how far God has brought me. Out of depression, and set me free. I can't believe it sometimes ... it just totally amazes me.
A lot of people ask the same question when I tell my story, "WHY?! Thats so ... weird." In actuality, its more of a "control" thing. When something went wrong, I could cut and have control over the pain, and over the anger. It sounds completely wack, I know, but for some people, like me, it "helped".
Judge me if you please on this next portion, but its just me being real.
Cutting feels good, to me. I havn't cut in over 3 years now, but it just does. I don't really know how to explain, but theres just a rush when cutting. I'd always get closer to a vein, or deeper into the skin; it was always a matter of how far I could go, how bad I could hurt myself. I loved sitting in the shower, just tearing apart my skin. Or sitting on my bed erasing until it scarred. Gosh, I really don't know how to say it. I just loved the feeling of cutting. Yeah, it burnt and it hurt, but it gave me a "frenzy" of some sort, and I just couldn't stop. Sometimes, I would even do it for fun. I tried so hard to cover it up after I cut. I bought medications for it, tons of scar cream, but nothing completely got rid of the evidence ... which is ok by me now. I've never showed anyone my arm, nobody ever notices. Sometimes I wonder how, but they never do. I look at it sometimes, and can't help but cry. I just can't believe how far I've come.
I'm waiting for the day that I get to preach on this part of my testimony. I know how many girls (and guys) self harm in America, and it breaks my heart because I've been there. I've seen both sides, and I know how to make it over the wall and how rewarding it is on the other side. I want to tell my story, and I want to save people by it.
You are the same yesterday, today, and forever. My father, my bestfriend, the love of my life. Forever.
If you made it this far, I wanted to say thank you for taking the time to read this. I know for some people, these things are hard to read and imagine, but thank you. I hope you don't think of me any differently, because I have changed more than anything since then, and I couldn't be more proud of myself. If you happen to see me, and want to see my arm, don't be afraid to ask. Like I said, I love sharing and I would love to share/explain/testify to the marvelous things the Lord has done in and through me.
God bless.
I've been wanting to post this for awhile, but I've never really sat down and typed it all out. Well, everything I've wanted to say about it. So here it goes. I think I'm ready, and in a way, I'm excited. I feel like this is going to help someone. And if it does, please let me know.
7th grade, a new girl came to our school. She was beautiful, and funny, and nice, and everyone wanted to be friends with her. I became decent friends with her, and we talked on a daily basis. We had this notebook that we passed back and forth with notes to eachother. We told eachother our deepest secrets, and things we wanted no one else to know. Eventually, the topic of self harm came up, and she confessed that she would cut herself. She told me she would take the spring out of the side of a spiral notebook, and cut her forearm with it. Since she was so popular, I decided I wanted to do the same thing to be "cool" like her, and draw major attention to myself. So I began cutting myself as well, but instead of a spring, I took an actual razor. After awhile, she stopped cutting herself and was done for good. Her and I then stopped being friends, and I became "close" with another girl in my classes. She was, as I called, a "major" cutter as well. She used a razor, she even popped pills at times. Her and I also had a notebook we passed with notes. I wrote something in there to her about me being sexually assaulted and how I wanted to commit suicide. I had been lying about the sexual asssault ... not so much the suicide. She turned it into my school councelor, who then called my parents. I was taken to the hospital, and had to stay for a few hours under "suicide watch" if you will. They asked me tons of questions, had me tested for things, and I had to talk to 3 different councelors. Finally, I was released and they let me go home. My mom made me see a Christian councelor after school a few days a week, and I talked to my school councelor. By the end of my 7th grade year, I had everyone convinced I was fine again, and was done cutting/pill popping.
But then came 8th grade year.
The summer of 8th grade, I was a horrible kid ... I truly was. I got high, I got drunk, I smoked Newports and bragged about it. I sexted (yeah, in 8th grade), and I cussed more than anyone I knew. I claimed I was a Christin then, because I went to church, so I was saved back then. But during my 8th grade year, something just hit me: I became depressed like crazy. I went back to cutting, and got serious. I wasn't doing it for attention anymore, I was doing it because I was hurt, I was searching for something. I would go to Target, with my mom, and buy razors (not shaving razors, like arts&crafts razors), and tons of erasers (I would erase my skin to wear it broke, and got infected and burnt like fire). After about a month or so, I had 2 or 3 different cutting razors, a knife, erasers and scissors in a make up bag I carried with me, for "on the go" problems. I would cut everywhere I went ... school, home, the mall, even church. I remember going to a modeling meeting, and I was so stressed out by something my mom did, that I ran to the bathroom balling my eyes out just cutting my arm in every place I saw; it was crazy, because nobody actually knew.
In math class one day, I took my wallet out to show a kid sitting next to me my ID, and I happened to have a razor blade in the clear pocket of my wallet. He saw it, and took it out of my purse when I left. He took it to the principals office. I was called down to the office that day, and was asked what it was. I told him it was a razor, while extremely scared. He asked me why it was in my purse, and all I could do was show him my arm. He called my cheerleading coach, my mom, and my councelor all to the office. Needless to say, I was released from the cheerleading team, had more meeting set up for when I got back from suspension, and was suspended for having a razor on school property. He gave me 5 days instead of 10, for my reasoning. During those 5 days, I was in and out of counceling and had to give my mom all my "utencils". Those 5 days were some of the roughest. I went back to school, and played it off as fine ... again. Some time went by, and again I was back to buying razors and cutting. I remember one night I just couldn't take it anymore. I went downstairs crying to my mom, and just showed her my arm ... I didn't know what to say or do, I just needed to tell someone. We went upstairs in my room crying, and just talked. Well, tried. We were both so torn up, there wasn't a whole lot to say.
I finally got rid of everything, and started going to church. I met with a few leaders from church who truly guided me, and helped me through that situation. They led me to Christ, who has saved me and set me free from that depressive state.
Man. Sitting here writing this I've been crying. Its so crazy to think back on those days, and see how far God has brought me. Out of depression, and set me free. I can't believe it sometimes ... it just totally amazes me.
A lot of people ask the same question when I tell my story, "WHY?! Thats so ... weird." In actuality, its more of a "control" thing. When something went wrong, I could cut and have control over the pain, and over the anger. It sounds completely wack, I know, but for some people, like me, it "helped".
Judge me if you please on this next portion, but its just me being real.
Cutting feels good, to me. I havn't cut in over 3 years now, but it just does. I don't really know how to explain, but theres just a rush when cutting. I'd always get closer to a vein, or deeper into the skin; it was always a matter of how far I could go, how bad I could hurt myself. I loved sitting in the shower, just tearing apart my skin. Or sitting on my bed erasing until it scarred. Gosh, I really don't know how to say it. I just loved the feeling of cutting. Yeah, it burnt and it hurt, but it gave me a "frenzy" of some sort, and I just couldn't stop. Sometimes, I would even do it for fun. I tried so hard to cover it up after I cut. I bought medications for it, tons of scar cream, but nothing completely got rid of the evidence ... which is ok by me now. I've never showed anyone my arm, nobody ever notices. Sometimes I wonder how, but they never do. I look at it sometimes, and can't help but cry. I just can't believe how far I've come.
I'm waiting for the day that I get to preach on this part of my testimony. I know how many girls (and guys) self harm in America, and it breaks my heart because I've been there. I've seen both sides, and I know how to make it over the wall and how rewarding it is on the other side. I want to tell my story, and I want to save people by it.
You are the same yesterday, today, and forever. My father, my bestfriend, the love of my life. Forever.
If you made it this far, I wanted to say thank you for taking the time to read this. I know for some people, these things are hard to read and imagine, but thank you. I hope you don't think of me any differently, because I have changed more than anything since then, and I couldn't be more proud of myself. If you happen to see me, and want to see my arm, don't be afraid to ask. Like I said, I love sharing and I would love to share/explain/testify to the marvelous things the Lord has done in and through me.
God bless.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Hi, I'm in Jackson.
I AM SO BORED.
I'm in the mood to blog, and I just feel like ranting on anything & everything.
Its 10:32. I watched the premiere of Degrassi: In Too Deep, needless to say its been a good night. I feel extremely sick though. I ate dinner, and ate too much as usual and didn't work it off ... boo. I think I had 2 or 3 cups of Pepsi and I feel like I could yack everywhere. I'm sure you wanted to know that. I'm watching Bring it On (the original, because the others just don't compare). It makes me miss cheerleading SO much. The floor, the lights, the music, the bows, the tight uniforms, the shoes, the stunts, the bruises, the tears, the yelling, the dancing, the tumbling: I just miss it all. Deffinitely had present in Oral Comm today. I usually don't get nervous when speaking in front of groups, but I guess I did today because I was a whole 2:00 minues short on my presentation. When I practiced, I was RIGHT AT 5:00, I made 3:48 today ... LAME.
So Valentines day is Monday ... oh, my bad; SINGLES AWARENESS DAY IS MONDAY. I'm thinking about dressing up in all pink/red stuff, but I don't know yet. Depends on how much pink stuff I can find. It's so depressing to be single on Valentines day. I mean, its been 3 years since I've had a date for Valentines day ... but still! I always want that boy to take me out to dinner and do something sweet. Yack, I don't have that. Ah well. I'll probably spend my Valentines day doing HOMEWORK, since I don't hate a Valentine ... boohooo.
I'm going to see Never Say Never 3D tomorrow with Maddy & Kyler, and I couldn't be more excited. I used to dislike Bieber so much, and couldn't stand him. But I gotta admit, I love his music and I love his hair, and I just adore his face. Everyone on Twitter says the movie is amazing anyways, so I guess thats good.
I don't know why I do this, post these random things on my mind. I guess whoever wants to get in my head can just read this ... creeeeeeepy.
But chyeaaa. I have chem&french homework. Debating ... do I wanna do it now or tomorrow or Sunday? Hmm. I NEED A JOB. Gosh. I have insurance due in June, but I mean Txlc should have sent me my 4 paychecks AND MY W2 TAX FORMS weeks ago; and they still havn't. So I've been poor for like ever. The first time I typed in "poor" it was "pore". Yeah, I'm that tired. I can't stand when people like, post their problems all over Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter but don't have the guts to say talk about that problem to the person they have an issue with. Like, foreal; that bugs me. Lala.
BLAH. I have a headache, I feel sick, and I'm watching Bring it On ... I love Fridays.
I'm in the mood to blog, and I just feel like ranting on anything & everything.
Its 10:32. I watched the premiere of Degrassi: In Too Deep, needless to say its been a good night. I feel extremely sick though. I ate dinner, and ate too much as usual and didn't work it off ... boo. I think I had 2 or 3 cups of Pepsi and I feel like I could yack everywhere. I'm sure you wanted to know that. I'm watching Bring it On (the original, because the others just don't compare). It makes me miss cheerleading SO much. The floor, the lights, the music, the bows, the tight uniforms, the shoes, the stunts, the bruises, the tears, the yelling, the dancing, the tumbling: I just miss it all. Deffinitely had present in Oral Comm today. I usually don't get nervous when speaking in front of groups, but I guess I did today because I was a whole 2:00 minues short on my presentation. When I practiced, I was RIGHT AT 5:00, I made 3:48 today ... LAME.
So Valentines day is Monday ... oh, my bad; SINGLES AWARENESS DAY IS MONDAY. I'm thinking about dressing up in all pink/red stuff, but I don't know yet. Depends on how much pink stuff I can find. It's so depressing to be single on Valentines day. I mean, its been 3 years since I've had a date for Valentines day ... but still! I always want that boy to take me out to dinner and do something sweet. Yack, I don't have that. Ah well. I'll probably spend my Valentines day doing HOMEWORK, since I don't hate a Valentine ... boohooo.
I'm going to see Never Say Never 3D tomorrow with Maddy & Kyler, and I couldn't be more excited. I used to dislike Bieber so much, and couldn't stand him. But I gotta admit, I love his music and I love his hair, and I just adore his face. Everyone on Twitter says the movie is amazing anyways, so I guess thats good.
I don't know why I do this, post these random things on my mind. I guess whoever wants to get in my head can just read this ... creeeeeeepy.
But chyeaaa. I have chem&french homework. Debating ... do I wanna do it now or tomorrow or Sunday? Hmm. I NEED A JOB. Gosh. I have insurance due in June, but I mean Txlc should have sent me my 4 paychecks AND MY W2 TAX FORMS weeks ago; and they still havn't. So I've been poor for like ever. The first time I typed in "poor" it was "pore". Yeah, I'm that tired. I can't stand when people like, post their problems all over Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter but don't have the guts to say talk about that problem to the person they have an issue with. Like, foreal; that bugs me. Lala.
BLAH. I have a headache, I feel sick, and I'm watching Bring it On ... I love Fridays.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
I guess it's time.
Justin Bieber is one of the cutest celebs in the media (well, according to most girls ... and Quinton). Many celebrities put on a front when in public though, and act a certain way. You see the tabloids that talk about celebrity couples being so in love, and we watch Nicholas Spark movies that make us cry, but why can't relationships truly be like that? Many girls think their relationships are truly "wonderful", and "marvelous". But a lot of girls, like me, were sucked into the lie.
I guess it's time to share my deepest feelings.
2 years ago I fell in love, and its an amazing feeling, not gonna lie. After the break up though, it hurt like crazy. Ever since that day, I've had a real strain on love and relationships. I feel like a loser sometimes when it comes to relationships. I was rejected from someone who had continously told me for 4 months that he loved me, and that was certainly enough to hurt me deep down. After Verge 2010, I thought all of that would leave me, but I don't think God is done working with me on that quite yet. When we moved up here, I was terrified at first to make new friends, from fear of rejection. But of course, as Mr.Kim would say, its completely normal and human ... blah blah. But I'd never really felt like that back then. I always love meeting new people, and talking to them and hanging out with them. I guess I was just afriad for so long that I would be rejected in the way my first love had rejected me.
I dont know how to say this the way I want too ... so, I'm just gonna try my best without tearing up: bear with me.
I'm a follower of God, a disciple, and a crazy one at that. But I'm still human. I still have hormones, and feelings, and thoughts, and emotions. Now, I try not to let them get out of hand, but sometimes I just can't help it. Like earlier today, for example. I was texting my best friend and things seemed odd. Last night after Skyping for awhile, I asked him what was up with us, things seemed odd. He didn't think anything was, and so I dropped it. But today I was texting him, and it still seemed the same ... so we talked a little about it, and he made me think about what I was feeling. I texed him later and had to explain. I told him how I felt like someone was going to take my spot in his life since I moved, and how it hurt me. Of course, he didn't really respond since he's the type that doesn't, but ya know. Not only with friends do I still feel hurt and rejection pains, but also with guys. I had been talking to a guy before the move and a little after the move, and by golly he was amazing. He was cute, funny, sweet, romantic, a Christian, smart, played drums: everything I wanted in a guy, he even goes to the college I want to go to. But after awhile of talking to him, things got a little wacky. I dont know how to explain it, but we didn't talk as much as usual and so I tried to message him about it, and he pretty much ignored me. Now, I could have been pushing it on my side, but still ... I felt even more hurt then, because he ignored me, and now treats me like dirt. As does an old "friend" of mine. I told him I liked him after about a 2 year crush, was totally rejected, and was again treated like dirt ... even now.
I know that God loves me, and I know that God DID NOT give me these things ... but I'm human, and I deal with them. I run to God every day with these, and its so hard for me to not take them back. I don't know. I've just been feeling so emotionally messed up lately, and I love expressing myself on blogger for whatever reason. I'm tired of being an emotional wreck, and I'm tired of letting it effect the way I am during the day.
I'm tired of it effecting my life! I'm tired of it effecting my attitude. I'm tired of letting it effect my relationships! Gah!
By the end of this year, I will be free from heart break, and fear of rejection. By the end of this year, I will NOT be afraid. By the end of this year, oh you better bet I'll be the happiest I've EVER been.
Holy is the Lord God almighty, who was and is & is to come. With all creation I sing praise to the King of Kings. YOU are my EVERYTHING, and I will adore you.
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