I guess it's time.

Justin Bieber is one of the cutest celebs in the media (well, according to most girls ... and Quinton). Many celebrities put on a front when in public though, and act a certain way. You see the tabloids that talk about celebrity couples being so in love, and we watch Nicholas Spark movies that make us cry, but why can't relationships truly be like that? Many girls think their relationships are truly "wonderful", and "marvelous". But a lot of girls, like me, were sucked into the lie.



I guess it's time to share my deepest feelings.
2 years ago I fell in love, and its an amazing feeling, not gonna lie. After the break up though, it hurt like crazy. Ever since that day, I've had a real strain on love and relationships. I feel like a loser sometimes when it comes to relationships. I was rejected from someone who had continously told me for 4 months that he loved me, and that was certainly enough to hurt me deep down. After Verge 2010, I thought all of that would leave me, but I don't think God is done working with me on that quite yet. When we moved up here, I was terrified at first to make new friends, from fear of rejection. But of course, as Mr.Kim would say, its completely normal and human ... blah blah. But I'd never really felt like that back then. I always love meeting new people, and talking to them and hanging out with them. I guess I was just afriad for so long that I would be rejected in the way my first love had rejected me.


I dont know how to say this the way I want too ... so, I'm just gonna try my best without tearing up: bear with me.




I'm a follower of God, a disciple, and a crazy one at that. But I'm still human. I still have hormones, and feelings, and thoughts, and emotions. Now, I try not to let them get out of hand, but sometimes I just can't help it. Like earlier today, for example. I was texting my best friend and things seemed odd. Last night after Skyping for awhile, I asked him what was up with us, things seemed odd. He didn't think anything was, and so I dropped it. But today I was texting him, and it still seemed the same ... so we talked a little about it, and he made me think about what I was feeling. I texed him later and had to explain. I told him how I felt like someone was going to take my spot in his life since I moved, and how it hurt me. Of course, he didn't really respond since he's the type that doesn't, but ya know. Not only with friends do I still feel hurt and rejection pains, but also with guys. I had been talking to a guy before the move and a little after the move, and by golly he was amazing. He was cute, funny, sweet, romantic, a Christian, smart, played drums: everything I wanted in a guy, he even goes to the college I want to go to. But after awhile of talking to him, things got a little wacky. I dont know how to explain it, but we didn't talk as much as usual and so I tried to message him about it, and he pretty much ignored me. Now, I could have been pushing it on my side, but still ... I felt even more hurt then, because he ignored me, and now treats me like dirt. As does an old "friend" of mine. I told him I liked him after about a 2 year crush, was totally rejected, and was again treated like dirt ... even now.



I know that God loves me, and I know that God DID NOT give me these things ... but I'm human, and I deal with them. I run to God every day with these, and its so hard for me to not take them back. I don't know. I've just been feeling so emotionally messed up lately, and I love expressing myself on blogger for whatever reason. I'm tired of being an emotional wreck, and I'm tired of letting it effect the way I am during the day.


I'm tired of it effecting my life! I'm tired of it effecting my attitude. I'm tired of letting it effect my relationships! Gah!






By the end of this year, I will be free from heart break, and fear of rejection. By the end of this year, I will NOT be afraid. By the end of this year, oh you better bet I'll be the happiest I've EVER been.




Holy is the Lord God almighty, who was and is & is to come. With all creation I sing praise to the King of Kings. YOU are my EVERYTHING, and I will adore you.