All Along.

Its not everything it seems - the world and its dreams. Slipping like water through my hands, tonight. All the things I thought would fill me up, left me empty here - and now I know why. All along I was looking for something else, Your something else. All along I was looking for something more Your so much more. I finally found what I could never see before, You've always been the one that I was looking for. All of my castles in the sand, washed away again. And Im left back where I began - tonight. The only thing that could ever fill me up has been right in front of me: all the time.

Im not quite sure why I wrote this. I was just listening to the song All Along, by Remedy Drive. I love that song. Lately, the devil has really been messing with me: and its driving me insane. Last week, I felt something strong from God, and the devil is trying to take that from me. He's making me feel extremely insecure, and making me feel worthless and alone. Its awful, to be quite frank. But this song, All Along, helps me find some closure. "All along I was looking for something else, Your something else. I've finally found what I could never see before, You've always been the one that I was looking for." I just love that. It reminds me that I have him, and that I dont always need approval from others. Today at work, there is a girl I work with who gives off the vibe she doesn't like me. In a way, I'll admit, I do try to please everyone. I mean, I dont suck up just to get them to love me, but I want people to like me. Hmm, that sounds kinda bad. I mean, I just dont want to give people a reason not to like me, You know? But anyways, it hurt my feelings because she was being rude to me. Not super rude, but You could just tell she was being rude. Anyways, Gods securing me & thats alllllll I need.

My poem.

My Rara passed away last Friday. For the funeral, my mother / grandfather / uncle asked me to write something to say. And this is what I wrote:


Dear Rara,
Today I stand here in front of Your family.
In front of Your kids, in front of Your friends.

We love You so much I just want You to know,
None of us ever wanted to see You go.

From day 1 to 23,101, You smmile shone so bright, just as bright as the sun.
A daughter, a mother. A sister, a gardner. A nurse, a lover, my grandmother.

I promise forever You'll be in my heart, even though You had to depart.

Your dancing with angels in Heaven with God,
Your finally in the place where You belong.

I end this letter with a prayer from my heart:
Dear Lord, thank You for my Rara. Thank You for blessing us all with this wonderful woman. Take care of her daddy, and give her my love.
Love You father,
Amen.

Thank You Holy Spirit.

So, the picture looked alot better on the internet. I tried to enlarge it, and it just looked bad ... haha. But yesterday at school, something amazing happened from something terrible. Were reading this book in my honors English 2 class, called The Count of Monte Cristo. Im extremely bored by the book, to be honest. But anyways: I was absent three days within the past two weeks, and I was so lost in the book. I am currently about 15 chapters BEHIND everyone else: stressful right? Our teacher makes us take little Senteo quizzes on the SmartBoard every day about th past chapters we read. So yesterday, I didnt read the chapters we were assigned. The girl I sit next to offered to help me cheat, and I agreed to it. Literally, as soon as we finished with the quiz I felt conviction from the Holy Spirit. Then, I felt it from the Devil. I was so angry when the Devil was putting thoughts in my mind: but I was just glad I could figure out it was him. So anyways! After class I went up to my teacher and said: "I'm gonna be honest, I just cheated on that quiz. I have so many things going on right now, Ive honestly had no time to catch up on myr eading. If You give me a zero on that quiz, thats completely fine: it doesn't bother me. But can I have until like, Wednesday to try and catch up reading?" and You know what she said to me? " I cant believe You would cheat on a quiz. I trusted You as a student. Just for that, Your getting a zero on the next three quizzes."

Haha, just kidding. This is what she said: "Well, being honest like that shows a good person. I appreciate Your honesty, and for that I'm going to give You a zero on this quiz and You wont have to take the one tomorrow. Try and catch up reading as much as You can by Wednesday, and let me know what You get done.'' Then she continued to ask me about the things I was busy with, haha.

It was just great that God convicted me like that. Since Two weeks ago Sunday, God and I have become extremely close. Why? Because I have a new passion for him, and Im keeping it alive :)

April 39457, 2010.

Feeling a little on the random side today, indeeeed. So, we just got our internet back today: well actually, we just got our computer back today: which has been amazing! I mean, its been good and bad not having the internet. Let me esplain.

Good: because I've had more time to spend with God, and more time to somewhat catch up on homework and what not.

Bad: because its the way people love to communicate; over Facebook & email. So, I had no communication with some people for like, a week or so. Haha.

- But in the time that I did not have my computer, let me just tell You of the new & exciting things happening in my life :)

A. ) I have a dance recital coming up this Saturday. Im pretty excited, I must admit. I havn't danced in front of people in ... oh, five years? I love dancing. :)

B. ) I got a job! Im a hostess at Txlc (Texas Land and Cattle), and its fun. I love the ladies I work with. Their a little weird, but their hysterical and fun to be around. Actually, I worked tonight. It was just me & Reaghan for the last two hours. So, I made two of the other waiters get us food (smoked sirloin & bread, mmmm) <-- that was my dinner :)

C. ) Top News Event is Wednesday! I had a real heart change about this. I had invited SO many people to it, because I was told I was going to get the last major role in it. Then when the time came, I really prayed to God: "Choose the person who would be best for this. If its me, then so be it. If not, then choose the right person", and of course He did so. But anyways, we learned this SUPERCOOL Stomp type dance: its awesome.

But thats basically all the new awesome stuff in my life. Hmm, I think Im going to go read and such. I have like, 20 chapters to read by Wednesday for English: ick!

MAKEUP - cont.

<--- Here is me, with no make up on!

As I posted before, I was going a week without make up: and that week ended today. I learned alot of things, and I also overcame a few things. I realized that just because a girl wears make up, doesn't mean she's beautiful. Sure, make up can make us beautiful: but every single girl is GORGEOUS without it! Im so glad I did this, it was an amazing experience. Let me go day by day here:

Monday, 4/12: First day without make up. It was kinda akward, and I still felt somewhat self - concious, but I got through the day.

Tuesday, 4/13: School went normal, but it was still an akward day for me. Went to church after school, and nobody noticed I had no make up on. Once I told someone, they still said I looked beautiful ... that was nice! Reading my word today, I dug in and was waiting for a reply from God. Wanna know what I heard? Job 4:2-5 " (2) If one ventures a word with You, will You become impatient? But who can refrain from speaking? (3) Behold, You have admonished many, and You have streangthened weak hands. (4) Your words have hellped those tottering to stand, and You have strengthened weakened knees. (5) But now it has come to You, and You are impatient. It touches You, and You are dismayed. Man, is my God a funny man :)

Wednesday, 4/14: So tempted to put on make up today! We went to UNCC to see the play Assasins today, and I was oh so so tempted to wear mak up and look nice. I didnt put any on, and It was awesome. I still felt a little self - concious, because I had a huge pimple on my forehead & I got a cold sore /: But God gave me courage! And I felt good again.

Thursday, 4/15: Today was another one of those tempting days ... I auditioned for a girls senior exit project after school (she was doing acting), and I was so scared I would look horrible without make up. But I looked good :D Also, a guy I had been crushing on talked ot me today. What does that show me? That guys dont care! I read a comment on the other blog I posted about make up, and it really made me happy :)

Friday, 4/16: Not too much happened today. I dressed up somewhat, and I looked nice. I was very, very confident today in myself! God and I had a huge, huge, I mean HUGE time together Thursday night ... man was that an encounter! I heard, and felt so many things from God it was amazing. I believe I realized why I did this.

God gave me a new level of confidence. I've always said I dont care what people think: and yes, that is true. But now its starting on a new way, that I dont care if they think I look bad without makeup. Cause that doesn't bother me anymore! It also led me, somewhat, to a new level of freedom.

I Love My Dadddddddy :D

My juxtapose.

I think I was riding the bus when it finally hit me. The things that I've so long been angry, and upset about. Christians, and Hispanics. Hmm, weird combination right? Well, just look at the title.
Im going to be very honest in here, and I hope if You read this You dont view me differently. I used to be majorly racist towards Hispanics. Ive had SO many wrong run - ins with a few hispanics in my city. I viewed them all the same: rude, gross, sluts, and pigs. I was at the mall one day, and I remember an old man (Hispanic) stared me and my friend down: stared us down. We were only in what, 6th grade? I was so freaked out, and extremely angry. I told my mother "Mom, Im going to flick him off. I dont care what You say". And so I did, and I was extremely fine with it.
Whenever I was around friends who were fine with Hispanics, they would always say things like "Their just trying to find a better life here, not all of them are the same". I just sat back and thought to myself "Yeah, okay. Their just ruining the country and raping everyone". (Like I said, Im being honest.)
But sitting on the bus today, I realized that their somewhat in the same positions as Christians. I watched a video at church last Wednesday, and it was about a "bull horn guy" who stood on the streets yelling at people about Christ: and that if You didnt follow God, You'd burn in hell forever. Sorry, I feel like Im going all over the place with this blog trying to get my point across, just stick with me. Hold on, let me try and find that video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLIkeltz4z4 <---- Here it is.
Anyways, it really just hit me: one person can mess up everyones perception of something.
- Christians: people take being a Christian so lightly. Thats why so many people get the wrong opinion about us. There are some Christians who claim to be bold, and they go around partying and doing un - Godly things. This really hurts, knowing this is what is "representing" a Christian
- Hispanics: the way that man stared me down in the mall, really changed my view on all hispanics. It makes me feel bad for all the Mexicans who are seriously trying to change their lives here in America: it just makes them look bad.

I hope this makes sense. Im not going to read over it before I post it, Im a bit too tired for that: haha. But like I said, this is me being completely honest.
Thanks for reading, :)

MAKEUP!

Today, is Wednesday April 14. It is 9:14pm, according to my clock.
Last Sunday I went out to lunch with a good friend of mine. She was telling me about how beautiful she was, and its obvious ... she's GORGEOUS! She told me about how she used to wear T0NS of makeup, and still not feel pretty. Now, she barely wears makeup and I still think she is one of the most beautiful woman I know.
Anywas:
I've decided that for this entire week, April 11 - April 16, I will not be wearing any makeup.
I didnt just do this to try and "test" myself, to see if I could do it. I felt compelled. As I stated in another blog, I've always been super duper self concious of myself, and I really wanted to see how I felt without makeup.
Oh, it was awesome. Yesterday, Tuesday, I was straightening my hair after just getting a hair cut & brow waxing. I had on sophees and a bra, and I was just roaming around my house. Usually wearing that, I would feel extremely insecure and overweight. But nah, I felt awesome! Haha, that feels akward to say :p

But just this week right now, I feel like its a good time to do this. I've been asking God to show me how beautiful I really am, without wearing worldly things: such as makeup. Tuesday, I really felt beautiful. As I did today! (Besides the fact I got a cold sore, and I have a mighty pimple on my forehead).

Another thing is, boys! I've had my eye on this cute guy here lately, and I've always wanted to talk to him: but I never have. I got nervous today when I was like, stuck with him alll day basically, haha. But he came up and talked to me, which actually made me confident in a way, because it actually showed me that guys dont care if I wear make up: they'll still talk to me! Which makes me happy, ahha.

But anyways: I'll probably post a final blog on Friday after I go through the entire week, and I hear s'more things from my dadddddy.