As requested by one of the select few, here is the list:
Michael Krebill.
Tommy King.
Drew Herlein.
Quinton Alexander.
Jamer Zelmanski.
Ben McGill.
Ok, that is all.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Deep.
No, this post has NOTHING to do with Valentines day ... other than what I just posted.
I've been wanting to post this for awhile, but I've never really sat down and typed it all out. Well, everything I've wanted to say about it. So here it goes. I think I'm ready, and in a way, I'm excited. I feel like this is going to help someone. And if it does, please let me know.
7th grade, a new girl came to our school. She was beautiful, and funny, and nice, and everyone wanted to be friends with her. I became decent friends with her, and we talked on a daily basis. We had this notebook that we passed back and forth with notes to eachother. We told eachother our deepest secrets, and things we wanted no one else to know. Eventually, the topic of self harm came up, and she confessed that she would cut herself. She told me she would take the spring out of the side of a spiral notebook, and cut her forearm with it. Since she was so popular, I decided I wanted to do the same thing to be "cool" like her, and draw major attention to myself. So I began cutting myself as well, but instead of a spring, I took an actual razor. After awhile, she stopped cutting herself and was done for good. Her and I then stopped being friends, and I became "close" with another girl in my classes. She was, as I called, a "major" cutter as well. She used a razor, she even popped pills at times. Her and I also had a notebook we passed with notes. I wrote something in there to her about me being sexually assaulted and how I wanted to commit suicide. I had been lying about the sexual asssault ... not so much the suicide. She turned it into my school councelor, who then called my parents. I was taken to the hospital, and had to stay for a few hours under "suicide watch" if you will. They asked me tons of questions, had me tested for things, and I had to talk to 3 different councelors. Finally, I was released and they let me go home. My mom made me see a Christian councelor after school a few days a week, and I talked to my school councelor. By the end of my 7th grade year, I had everyone convinced I was fine again, and was done cutting/pill popping.
But then came 8th grade year.
The summer of 8th grade, I was a horrible kid ... I truly was. I got high, I got drunk, I smoked Newports and bragged about it. I sexted (yeah, in 8th grade), and I cussed more than anyone I knew. I claimed I was a Christin then, because I went to church, so I was saved back then. But during my 8th grade year, something just hit me: I became depressed like crazy. I went back to cutting, and got serious. I wasn't doing it for attention anymore, I was doing it because I was hurt, I was searching for something. I would go to Target, with my mom, and buy razors (not shaving razors, like arts&crafts razors), and tons of erasers (I would erase my skin to wear it broke, and got infected and burnt like fire). After about a month or so, I had 2 or 3 different cutting razors, a knife, erasers and scissors in a make up bag I carried with me, for "on the go" problems. I would cut everywhere I went ... school, home, the mall, even church. I remember going to a modeling meeting, and I was so stressed out by something my mom did, that I ran to the bathroom balling my eyes out just cutting my arm in every place I saw; it was crazy, because nobody actually knew.
In math class one day, I took my wallet out to show a kid sitting next to me my ID, and I happened to have a razor blade in the clear pocket of my wallet. He saw it, and took it out of my purse when I left. He took it to the principals office. I was called down to the office that day, and was asked what it was. I told him it was a razor, while extremely scared. He asked me why it was in my purse, and all I could do was show him my arm. He called my cheerleading coach, my mom, and my councelor all to the office. Needless to say, I was released from the cheerleading team, had more meeting set up for when I got back from suspension, and was suspended for having a razor on school property. He gave me 5 days instead of 10, for my reasoning. During those 5 days, I was in and out of counceling and had to give my mom all my "utencils". Those 5 days were some of the roughest. I went back to school, and played it off as fine ... again. Some time went by, and again I was back to buying razors and cutting. I remember one night I just couldn't take it anymore. I went downstairs crying to my mom, and just showed her my arm ... I didn't know what to say or do, I just needed to tell someone. We went upstairs in my room crying, and just talked. Well, tried. We were both so torn up, there wasn't a whole lot to say.
I finally got rid of everything, and started going to church. I met with a few leaders from church who truly guided me, and helped me through that situation. They led me to Christ, who has saved me and set me free from that depressive state.
Man. Sitting here writing this I've been crying. Its so crazy to think back on those days, and see how far God has brought me. Out of depression, and set me free. I can't believe it sometimes ... it just totally amazes me.
A lot of people ask the same question when I tell my story, "WHY?! Thats so ... weird." In actuality, its more of a "control" thing. When something went wrong, I could cut and have control over the pain, and over the anger. It sounds completely wack, I know, but for some people, like me, it "helped".
Judge me if you please on this next portion, but its just me being real.
Cutting feels good, to me. I havn't cut in over 3 years now, but it just does. I don't really know how to explain, but theres just a rush when cutting. I'd always get closer to a vein, or deeper into the skin; it was always a matter of how far I could go, how bad I could hurt myself. I loved sitting in the shower, just tearing apart my skin. Or sitting on my bed erasing until it scarred. Gosh, I really don't know how to say it. I just loved the feeling of cutting. Yeah, it burnt and it hurt, but it gave me a "frenzy" of some sort, and I just couldn't stop. Sometimes, I would even do it for fun. I tried so hard to cover it up after I cut. I bought medications for it, tons of scar cream, but nothing completely got rid of the evidence ... which is ok by me now. I've never showed anyone my arm, nobody ever notices. Sometimes I wonder how, but they never do. I look at it sometimes, and can't help but cry. I just can't believe how far I've come.
I'm waiting for the day that I get to preach on this part of my testimony. I know how many girls (and guys) self harm in America, and it breaks my heart because I've been there. I've seen both sides, and I know how to make it over the wall and how rewarding it is on the other side. I want to tell my story, and I want to save people by it.
You are the same yesterday, today, and forever. My father, my bestfriend, the love of my life. Forever.
If you made it this far, I wanted to say thank you for taking the time to read this. I know for some people, these things are hard to read and imagine, but thank you. I hope you don't think of me any differently, because I have changed more than anything since then, and I couldn't be more proud of myself. If you happen to see me, and want to see my arm, don't be afraid to ask. Like I said, I love sharing and I would love to share/explain/testify to the marvelous things the Lord has done in and through me.
God bless.
I've been wanting to post this for awhile, but I've never really sat down and typed it all out. Well, everything I've wanted to say about it. So here it goes. I think I'm ready, and in a way, I'm excited. I feel like this is going to help someone. And if it does, please let me know.
7th grade, a new girl came to our school. She was beautiful, and funny, and nice, and everyone wanted to be friends with her. I became decent friends with her, and we talked on a daily basis. We had this notebook that we passed back and forth with notes to eachother. We told eachother our deepest secrets, and things we wanted no one else to know. Eventually, the topic of self harm came up, and she confessed that she would cut herself. She told me she would take the spring out of the side of a spiral notebook, and cut her forearm with it. Since she was so popular, I decided I wanted to do the same thing to be "cool" like her, and draw major attention to myself. So I began cutting myself as well, but instead of a spring, I took an actual razor. After awhile, she stopped cutting herself and was done for good. Her and I then stopped being friends, and I became "close" with another girl in my classes. She was, as I called, a "major" cutter as well. She used a razor, she even popped pills at times. Her and I also had a notebook we passed with notes. I wrote something in there to her about me being sexually assaulted and how I wanted to commit suicide. I had been lying about the sexual asssault ... not so much the suicide. She turned it into my school councelor, who then called my parents. I was taken to the hospital, and had to stay for a few hours under "suicide watch" if you will. They asked me tons of questions, had me tested for things, and I had to talk to 3 different councelors. Finally, I was released and they let me go home. My mom made me see a Christian councelor after school a few days a week, and I talked to my school councelor. By the end of my 7th grade year, I had everyone convinced I was fine again, and was done cutting/pill popping.
But then came 8th grade year.
The summer of 8th grade, I was a horrible kid ... I truly was. I got high, I got drunk, I smoked Newports and bragged about it. I sexted (yeah, in 8th grade), and I cussed more than anyone I knew. I claimed I was a Christin then, because I went to church, so I was saved back then. But during my 8th grade year, something just hit me: I became depressed like crazy. I went back to cutting, and got serious. I wasn't doing it for attention anymore, I was doing it because I was hurt, I was searching for something. I would go to Target, with my mom, and buy razors (not shaving razors, like arts&crafts razors), and tons of erasers (I would erase my skin to wear it broke, and got infected and burnt like fire). After about a month or so, I had 2 or 3 different cutting razors, a knife, erasers and scissors in a make up bag I carried with me, for "on the go" problems. I would cut everywhere I went ... school, home, the mall, even church. I remember going to a modeling meeting, and I was so stressed out by something my mom did, that I ran to the bathroom balling my eyes out just cutting my arm in every place I saw; it was crazy, because nobody actually knew.
In math class one day, I took my wallet out to show a kid sitting next to me my ID, and I happened to have a razor blade in the clear pocket of my wallet. He saw it, and took it out of my purse when I left. He took it to the principals office. I was called down to the office that day, and was asked what it was. I told him it was a razor, while extremely scared. He asked me why it was in my purse, and all I could do was show him my arm. He called my cheerleading coach, my mom, and my councelor all to the office. Needless to say, I was released from the cheerleading team, had more meeting set up for when I got back from suspension, and was suspended for having a razor on school property. He gave me 5 days instead of 10, for my reasoning. During those 5 days, I was in and out of counceling and had to give my mom all my "utencils". Those 5 days were some of the roughest. I went back to school, and played it off as fine ... again. Some time went by, and again I was back to buying razors and cutting. I remember one night I just couldn't take it anymore. I went downstairs crying to my mom, and just showed her my arm ... I didn't know what to say or do, I just needed to tell someone. We went upstairs in my room crying, and just talked. Well, tried. We were both so torn up, there wasn't a whole lot to say.
I finally got rid of everything, and started going to church. I met with a few leaders from church who truly guided me, and helped me through that situation. They led me to Christ, who has saved me and set me free from that depressive state.
Man. Sitting here writing this I've been crying. Its so crazy to think back on those days, and see how far God has brought me. Out of depression, and set me free. I can't believe it sometimes ... it just totally amazes me.
A lot of people ask the same question when I tell my story, "WHY?! Thats so ... weird." In actuality, its more of a "control" thing. When something went wrong, I could cut and have control over the pain, and over the anger. It sounds completely wack, I know, but for some people, like me, it "helped".
Judge me if you please on this next portion, but its just me being real.
Cutting feels good, to me. I havn't cut in over 3 years now, but it just does. I don't really know how to explain, but theres just a rush when cutting. I'd always get closer to a vein, or deeper into the skin; it was always a matter of how far I could go, how bad I could hurt myself. I loved sitting in the shower, just tearing apart my skin. Or sitting on my bed erasing until it scarred. Gosh, I really don't know how to say it. I just loved the feeling of cutting. Yeah, it burnt and it hurt, but it gave me a "frenzy" of some sort, and I just couldn't stop. Sometimes, I would even do it for fun. I tried so hard to cover it up after I cut. I bought medications for it, tons of scar cream, but nothing completely got rid of the evidence ... which is ok by me now. I've never showed anyone my arm, nobody ever notices. Sometimes I wonder how, but they never do. I look at it sometimes, and can't help but cry. I just can't believe how far I've come.
I'm waiting for the day that I get to preach on this part of my testimony. I know how many girls (and guys) self harm in America, and it breaks my heart because I've been there. I've seen both sides, and I know how to make it over the wall and how rewarding it is on the other side. I want to tell my story, and I want to save people by it.
You are the same yesterday, today, and forever. My father, my bestfriend, the love of my life. Forever.
If you made it this far, I wanted to say thank you for taking the time to read this. I know for some people, these things are hard to read and imagine, but thank you. I hope you don't think of me any differently, because I have changed more than anything since then, and I couldn't be more proud of myself. If you happen to see me, and want to see my arm, don't be afraid to ask. Like I said, I love sharing and I would love to share/explain/testify to the marvelous things the Lord has done in and through me.
God bless.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Hi, I'm in Jackson.
I AM SO BORED.
I'm in the mood to blog, and I just feel like ranting on anything & everything.
Its 10:32. I watched the premiere of Degrassi: In Too Deep, needless to say its been a good night. I feel extremely sick though. I ate dinner, and ate too much as usual and didn't work it off ... boo. I think I had 2 or 3 cups of Pepsi and I feel like I could yack everywhere. I'm sure you wanted to know that. I'm watching Bring it On (the original, because the others just don't compare). It makes me miss cheerleading SO much. The floor, the lights, the music, the bows, the tight uniforms, the shoes, the stunts, the bruises, the tears, the yelling, the dancing, the tumbling: I just miss it all. Deffinitely had present in Oral Comm today. I usually don't get nervous when speaking in front of groups, but I guess I did today because I was a whole 2:00 minues short on my presentation. When I practiced, I was RIGHT AT 5:00, I made 3:48 today ... LAME.
So Valentines day is Monday ... oh, my bad; SINGLES AWARENESS DAY IS MONDAY. I'm thinking about dressing up in all pink/red stuff, but I don't know yet. Depends on how much pink stuff I can find. It's so depressing to be single on Valentines day. I mean, its been 3 years since I've had a date for Valentines day ... but still! I always want that boy to take me out to dinner and do something sweet. Yack, I don't have that. Ah well. I'll probably spend my Valentines day doing HOMEWORK, since I don't hate a Valentine ... boohooo.
I'm going to see Never Say Never 3D tomorrow with Maddy & Kyler, and I couldn't be more excited. I used to dislike Bieber so much, and couldn't stand him. But I gotta admit, I love his music and I love his hair, and I just adore his face. Everyone on Twitter says the movie is amazing anyways, so I guess thats good.
I don't know why I do this, post these random things on my mind. I guess whoever wants to get in my head can just read this ... creeeeeeepy.
But chyeaaa. I have chem&french homework. Debating ... do I wanna do it now or tomorrow or Sunday? Hmm. I NEED A JOB. Gosh. I have insurance due in June, but I mean Txlc should have sent me my 4 paychecks AND MY W2 TAX FORMS weeks ago; and they still havn't. So I've been poor for like ever. The first time I typed in "poor" it was "pore". Yeah, I'm that tired. I can't stand when people like, post their problems all over Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter but don't have the guts to say talk about that problem to the person they have an issue with. Like, foreal; that bugs me. Lala.
BLAH. I have a headache, I feel sick, and I'm watching Bring it On ... I love Fridays.
I'm in the mood to blog, and I just feel like ranting on anything & everything.
Its 10:32. I watched the premiere of Degrassi: In Too Deep, needless to say its been a good night. I feel extremely sick though. I ate dinner, and ate too much as usual and didn't work it off ... boo. I think I had 2 or 3 cups of Pepsi and I feel like I could yack everywhere. I'm sure you wanted to know that. I'm watching Bring it On (the original, because the others just don't compare). It makes me miss cheerleading SO much. The floor, the lights, the music, the bows, the tight uniforms, the shoes, the stunts, the bruises, the tears, the yelling, the dancing, the tumbling: I just miss it all. Deffinitely had present in Oral Comm today. I usually don't get nervous when speaking in front of groups, but I guess I did today because I was a whole 2:00 minues short on my presentation. When I practiced, I was RIGHT AT 5:00, I made 3:48 today ... LAME.
So Valentines day is Monday ... oh, my bad; SINGLES AWARENESS DAY IS MONDAY. I'm thinking about dressing up in all pink/red stuff, but I don't know yet. Depends on how much pink stuff I can find. It's so depressing to be single on Valentines day. I mean, its been 3 years since I've had a date for Valentines day ... but still! I always want that boy to take me out to dinner and do something sweet. Yack, I don't have that. Ah well. I'll probably spend my Valentines day doing HOMEWORK, since I don't hate a Valentine ... boohooo.
I'm going to see Never Say Never 3D tomorrow with Maddy & Kyler, and I couldn't be more excited. I used to dislike Bieber so much, and couldn't stand him. But I gotta admit, I love his music and I love his hair, and I just adore his face. Everyone on Twitter says the movie is amazing anyways, so I guess thats good.
I don't know why I do this, post these random things on my mind. I guess whoever wants to get in my head can just read this ... creeeeeeepy.
But chyeaaa. I have chem&french homework. Debating ... do I wanna do it now or tomorrow or Sunday? Hmm. I NEED A JOB. Gosh. I have insurance due in June, but I mean Txlc should have sent me my 4 paychecks AND MY W2 TAX FORMS weeks ago; and they still havn't. So I've been poor for like ever. The first time I typed in "poor" it was "pore". Yeah, I'm that tired. I can't stand when people like, post their problems all over Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter but don't have the guts to say talk about that problem to the person they have an issue with. Like, foreal; that bugs me. Lala.
BLAH. I have a headache, I feel sick, and I'm watching Bring it On ... I love Fridays.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
I guess it's time.
Justin Bieber is one of the cutest celebs in the media (well, according to most girls ... and Quinton). Many celebrities put on a front when in public though, and act a certain way. You see the tabloids that talk about celebrity couples being so in love, and we watch Nicholas Spark movies that make us cry, but why can't relationships truly be like that? Many girls think their relationships are truly "wonderful", and "marvelous". But a lot of girls, like me, were sucked into the lie.
I guess it's time to share my deepest feelings.
2 years ago I fell in love, and its an amazing feeling, not gonna lie. After the break up though, it hurt like crazy. Ever since that day, I've had a real strain on love and relationships. I feel like a loser sometimes when it comes to relationships. I was rejected from someone who had continously told me for 4 months that he loved me, and that was certainly enough to hurt me deep down. After Verge 2010, I thought all of that would leave me, but I don't think God is done working with me on that quite yet. When we moved up here, I was terrified at first to make new friends, from fear of rejection. But of course, as Mr.Kim would say, its completely normal and human ... blah blah. But I'd never really felt like that back then. I always love meeting new people, and talking to them and hanging out with them. I guess I was just afriad for so long that I would be rejected in the way my first love had rejected me.
I dont know how to say this the way I want too ... so, I'm just gonna try my best without tearing up: bear with me.
I'm a follower of God, a disciple, and a crazy one at that. But I'm still human. I still have hormones, and feelings, and thoughts, and emotions. Now, I try not to let them get out of hand, but sometimes I just can't help it. Like earlier today, for example. I was texting my best friend and things seemed odd. Last night after Skyping for awhile, I asked him what was up with us, things seemed odd. He didn't think anything was, and so I dropped it. But today I was texting him, and it still seemed the same ... so we talked a little about it, and he made me think about what I was feeling. I texed him later and had to explain. I told him how I felt like someone was going to take my spot in his life since I moved, and how it hurt me. Of course, he didn't really respond since he's the type that doesn't, but ya know. Not only with friends do I still feel hurt and rejection pains, but also with guys. I had been talking to a guy before the move and a little after the move, and by golly he was amazing. He was cute, funny, sweet, romantic, a Christian, smart, played drums: everything I wanted in a guy, he even goes to the college I want to go to. But after awhile of talking to him, things got a little wacky. I dont know how to explain it, but we didn't talk as much as usual and so I tried to message him about it, and he pretty much ignored me. Now, I could have been pushing it on my side, but still ... I felt even more hurt then, because he ignored me, and now treats me like dirt. As does an old "friend" of mine. I told him I liked him after about a 2 year crush, was totally rejected, and was again treated like dirt ... even now.
I know that God loves me, and I know that God DID NOT give me these things ... but I'm human, and I deal with them. I run to God every day with these, and its so hard for me to not take them back. I don't know. I've just been feeling so emotionally messed up lately, and I love expressing myself on blogger for whatever reason. I'm tired of being an emotional wreck, and I'm tired of letting it effect the way I am during the day.
I'm tired of it effecting my life! I'm tired of it effecting my attitude. I'm tired of letting it effect my relationships! Gah!
By the end of this year, I will be free from heart break, and fear of rejection. By the end of this year, I will NOT be afraid. By the end of this year, oh you better bet I'll be the happiest I've EVER been.
Holy is the Lord God almighty, who was and is & is to come. With all creation I sing praise to the King of Kings. YOU are my EVERYTHING, and I will adore you.
Monday, January 31, 2011
We will ACHIEVE IT.
Today was my first day at Western High School. I left my house at 7:18, and got to school around 7:33 - school starts at 7:35. I was terrified pulling into the parking lot, because I couldn't see any of the lines in the pavement due to the snow. So, I pulled next to some other car, hoping it was a parking spot (thank God, it was). Oh, and the reason I called this "We will ACHIEVE IT" is because its part of the competitive cheerleading routine ... its stuck in my head.
For anyone who is wondering, here are my classes:
1st hour: Basic Art.
2nd hour: French 3.
3rd hour: Chemistry.
4th hour: AP Lang&Comp.
5th hour: America at War.
6th hour: Intro to Tech.
7th hour: Oral Communications.
Yeah, 7 classes. But they're only 56 minutes long which is EXTREMELY short compared to Northwest's hour and a half long classes ... not gonna complain.
So in first period, I walked in, and of course, every one stared at me like I was a freak. I approached the teacher, and she just told me to sit wherever. So I sat at a table with 2 girls and a guy. After a little while, I started talking to the girl on my left. I come to find out her name is Sophia, she's a sophmore, and this is her first year at Western too. The girl across from me ... I completely forgot her name. But she's a freshman, and it is her first year too. The guy to my right, I think's name is Jared ... but he's not new. And he's a junior. We're starting a black/white picture in Mrs. Clarks class, and our group has a page full of alphabet letters ... I can't wait to start.
In second period, I sat on the French 4 side of the room ... for a few minutes. A guy, named Matt, started talking to me from across the room. After telling me I was on the wrong side of the class, he welcomed me to the middle of the room where the french 3 kids sat. I sat behind Quinton, in front of "Justin" (I forgot his name, but he looks like a Justin to me: and I told him that.) and to the left of Matt. Behind us were Maddie & her friend who's name has slipped my mind. They were all really nice, and the class was hysterical. Madame Marks walked out like, 3 times to get coffee ... and we barely did anything.
Third period Chem, I walked with Maddie and sat with her the whole class. We did a lab, burning stuff and lighting stuff on fire: it was pretty cool. Nothing too too exciting though.
Fourth period was ... AP Lang and Comp. I got in there, got 3 books, got a huge packet along with a syllabus, and sat at a computer. The room is SO different than Stavrakas's AP class. There are 26 kids (compared to 9), and we all sit at desks with little - no space. I sat between two kids that were really nice, and helpful. I got invited into some girls "Lit Circle Group", whatever that is, and talked to a boy who was born in Concord ... I thought that was neat.
Fifth period was so boring. I dont know why she put me in this war class. I mean, I'm interested in the war, but he told us we wern't gonna do anything but watch movies. Man, why am I complaining ... we took a test in there, sorry "quiz". It was simple, yet hard. He joked around alot too, Mr.Kamke. He seems cool already.
Sixth was Intro to Tech. I sat next to a super quiet senior ... her name starts with a B, but I dont remember it ... of course. He made us take a little "test" as well, just to see what we knew. After that and explaining the class, we talked ... which was boring.
Lastly, I have oral communications: which I have come to find out, is a FRESHMAN CLASS. Yeah, I'm the only junior in there ... with 2 sophmores, and the rest FRESHMAN. I guess I don't mind freshman. BUt they're all in that awkward state, wherre they care about their appearances and blah blah blah. You know how it is. I love Mr.Kim already; he's by far my favorite teacher. He was so chill in class. Like, he was super funny and asked us random questions. He gave us simple homework. We have to fill a bag with 2-3 things that represent us and we have to present them to the class tomorrow. In my bag I have a carved wooden thing of Jesus, a ballet shoe, and my WCU tournament of champs picture. I can't wait to present!
After school, I went home, after sitting in the parking lot for 20 minutes waiting to get out (booo! No patrollers like NW). But I ate when I got home, dressed for practice, and went back to school. I'm not like, "on the team" but I am? Haha. I don't compete with the cheerleaders since they have 3 comps left, but I work out with them. I did jumps and stuff today, and worked on my back-walk-over for next season (Which, Ashley says I'm "super light" and "flow easily". Her&Paige&Yojanna said I should have it soon: eeeek!). I love the cheerleaders. Everyone says they're super snottty, and they suck: they really arn't that bad? Haha. And they're nice! But yeah, that was practice.
I only have AP Lang homework & Oral homework ... surprising. I'm sure the rest will come soon, yay! :)
Overall, I had a wonderful first day. I only got lost once, and I made friends: what is there to complain about?
You are holy, great & mighty. The moon and the stars declare who you are. I'm SO unworthy, but still You love me. Forever my heart will sing of how great You are.
For whatever reason, I feel like sharing this. After practice, I was driving home. On my way home theres a 4 way stop and a flashing yellow light. Going over the hill towards the light, I saw a cop car with flashing lights. After he passed me, I was looking in my mirrors to see his lights go out, why? I dont know. But when I looked ahead, I had RAN the stop sign and passed INTO the center of traffic. I was terrified! I had to turn left, and made a sharp turn. It scared me the most, because I ran it ... and could have gotten hit! Lesson learned: DONT STARE OUT YOUR SIDE MIRRORS ... EVER.
For anyone who is wondering, here are my classes:
1st hour: Basic Art.
2nd hour: French 3.
3rd hour: Chemistry.
4th hour: AP Lang&Comp.
5th hour: America at War.
6th hour: Intro to Tech.
7th hour: Oral Communications.
Yeah, 7 classes. But they're only 56 minutes long which is EXTREMELY short compared to Northwest's hour and a half long classes ... not gonna complain.
So in first period, I walked in, and of course, every one stared at me like I was a freak. I approached the teacher, and she just told me to sit wherever. So I sat at a table with 2 girls and a guy. After a little while, I started talking to the girl on my left. I come to find out her name is Sophia, she's a sophmore, and this is her first year at Western too. The girl across from me ... I completely forgot her name. But she's a freshman, and it is her first year too. The guy to my right, I think's name is Jared ... but he's not new. And he's a junior. We're starting a black/white picture in Mrs. Clarks class, and our group has a page full of alphabet letters ... I can't wait to start.
In second period, I sat on the French 4 side of the room ... for a few minutes. A guy, named Matt, started talking to me from across the room. After telling me I was on the wrong side of the class, he welcomed me to the middle of the room where the french 3 kids sat. I sat behind Quinton, in front of "Justin" (I forgot his name, but he looks like a Justin to me: and I told him that.) and to the left of Matt. Behind us were Maddie & her friend who's name has slipped my mind. They were all really nice, and the class was hysterical. Madame Marks walked out like, 3 times to get coffee ... and we barely did anything.
Third period Chem, I walked with Maddie and sat with her the whole class. We did a lab, burning stuff and lighting stuff on fire: it was pretty cool. Nothing too too exciting though.
Fourth period was ... AP Lang and Comp. I got in there, got 3 books, got a huge packet along with a syllabus, and sat at a computer. The room is SO different than Stavrakas's AP class. There are 26 kids (compared to 9), and we all sit at desks with little - no space. I sat between two kids that were really nice, and helpful. I got invited into some girls "Lit Circle Group", whatever that is, and talked to a boy who was born in Concord ... I thought that was neat.
Fifth period was so boring. I dont know why she put me in this war class. I mean, I'm interested in the war, but he told us we wern't gonna do anything but watch movies. Man, why am I complaining ... we took a test in there, sorry "quiz". It was simple, yet hard. He joked around alot too, Mr.Kamke. He seems cool already.
Sixth was Intro to Tech. I sat next to a super quiet senior ... her name starts with a B, but I dont remember it ... of course. He made us take a little "test" as well, just to see what we knew. After that and explaining the class, we talked ... which was boring.
Lastly, I have oral communications: which I have come to find out, is a FRESHMAN CLASS. Yeah, I'm the only junior in there ... with 2 sophmores, and the rest FRESHMAN. I guess I don't mind freshman. BUt they're all in that awkward state, wherre they care about their appearances and blah blah blah. You know how it is. I love Mr.Kim already; he's by far my favorite teacher. He was so chill in class. Like, he was super funny and asked us random questions. He gave us simple homework. We have to fill a bag with 2-3 things that represent us and we have to present them to the class tomorrow. In my bag I have a carved wooden thing of Jesus, a ballet shoe, and my WCU tournament of champs picture. I can't wait to present!
After school, I went home, after sitting in the parking lot for 20 minutes waiting to get out (booo! No patrollers like NW). But I ate when I got home, dressed for practice, and went back to school. I'm not like, "on the team" but I am? Haha. I don't compete with the cheerleaders since they have 3 comps left, but I work out with them. I did jumps and stuff today, and worked on my back-walk-over for next season (Which, Ashley says I'm "super light" and "flow easily". Her&Paige&Yojanna said I should have it soon: eeeek!). I love the cheerleaders. Everyone says they're super snottty, and they suck: they really arn't that bad? Haha. And they're nice! But yeah, that was practice.
I only have AP Lang homework & Oral homework ... surprising. I'm sure the rest will come soon, yay! :)
Overall, I had a wonderful first day. I only got lost once, and I made friends: what is there to complain about?
You are holy, great & mighty. The moon and the stars declare who you are. I'm SO unworthy, but still You love me. Forever my heart will sing of how great You are.
For whatever reason, I feel like sharing this. After practice, I was driving home. On my way home theres a 4 way stop and a flashing yellow light. Going over the hill towards the light, I saw a cop car with flashing lights. After he passed me, I was looking in my mirrors to see his lights go out, why? I dont know. But when I looked ahead, I had RAN the stop sign and passed INTO the center of traffic. I was terrified! I had to turn left, and made a sharp turn. It scared me the most, because I ran it ... and could have gotten hit! Lesson learned: DONT STARE OUT YOUR SIDE MIRRORS ... EVER.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
VDAY&L0VE.
For whatever reason, I felt led to blog about love tonight. I don't think I've mentioned this in any other blog, so I guess I'll put it in this one. I believe it was Friday? Or Thursday, I felt led to stop watching Degrassi every night after 6:00, and spend more time with God. So, I have. Every night I pray and worship, and God usually leads me to blog about something ... and tonight, He told me "Valentines Day. Love. Why you like/what you think about Valentines Day". Alrighty ...
I started thinking about Valentines Day, and came to the conclusion that I didn't really know the true meaning of it. So I Googled / Wikid / Answered the question, and these are the responses I got:
Answers.com-
To celebrate love. To share a day where you devote your love to people who you care for, you pamper each other and gives ou a reason to be happy together for a day.
Wiki.com-
St. Valentine, February 14, 1414. Wrote love letters, played a harp, "melted peoples haearts". Dressed in red/white. Had beautiful wings. Handed out chocolates, red roses, and love letters.
Google definition-
Originally a reliious day to honor St. Valentine. Day for couples to exchange chocolates. A day to exchange tokens of affection.
Now, I have no problem with couples celebrating Valentines Day: I used to LOVE celebrating valentines day! But of course, now that I'm single, I have no one to spend it with ... besides God.
The Wiki response really kinda clued me in. The description of St. Valentine made me think of God. Wrote love letters (Psalms), Played a harp (I dont think Jesus necessarily played a harp, but the sound of His voice itself was beautiful), melted peoples hearts (He melts my heart daily!), dressed in red/white (holy, pure, and blameless; yet drenched in blood for our sake), had beautiful wings. I dont know about yall, but this truly reminds me of the King of Kings ... and I think I'm gonna spend my Valentines Day this year "sharing the day devoting my love to the person who I truly care for", according to Answers.com.
So what do I think about Valentines Day? I think Valentines Day can be a super romantic and cute day, for couples. But I can also see it as a day to worship God, and devote some time to Him. Besides, He is love.
John 3:16 "For God SO LOVED the world He gave His only begotten son that WHOEVER believed in Him SHALL NOT perish, but have ETERNAL life."
I started thinking about Valentines Day, and came to the conclusion that I didn't really know the true meaning of it. So I Googled / Wikid / Answered the question, and these are the responses I got:
Answers.com-
To celebrate love. To share a day where you devote your love to people who you care for, you pamper each other and gives ou a reason to be happy together for a day.
Wiki.com-
St. Valentine, February 14, 1414. Wrote love letters, played a harp, "melted peoples haearts". Dressed in red/white. Had beautiful wings. Handed out chocolates, red roses, and love letters.
Google definition-
Originally a reliious day to honor St. Valentine. Day for couples to exchange chocolates. A day to exchange tokens of affection.
Now, I have no problem with couples celebrating Valentines Day: I used to LOVE celebrating valentines day! But of course, now that I'm single, I have no one to spend it with ... besides God.
The Wiki response really kinda clued me in. The description of St. Valentine made me think of God. Wrote love letters (Psalms), Played a harp (I dont think Jesus necessarily played a harp, but the sound of His voice itself was beautiful), melted peoples hearts (He melts my heart daily!), dressed in red/white (holy, pure, and blameless; yet drenched in blood for our sake), had beautiful wings. I dont know about yall, but this truly reminds me of the King of Kings ... and I think I'm gonna spend my Valentines Day this year "sharing the day devoting my love to the person who I truly care for", according to Answers.com.
So what do I think about Valentines Day? I think Valentines Day can be a super romantic and cute day, for couples. But I can also see it as a day to worship God, and devote some time to Him. Besides, He is love.
John 3:16 "For God SO LOVED the world He gave His only begotten son that WHOEVER believed in Him SHALL NOT perish, but have ETERNAL life."
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Look how far I've come.
The testimony of I, Samantha Elizabeth Alvarado, which has been ordained precisely by the Lord God. Beautiful am I, for being a creation of the I Am, and blessed are those who speak of the great thing the Lord is doing.
2006: While bombs were being set off in India and Baghdad, I was a 7th grade student at Northwest Cabarrus Middle School. During this time, a friend of mine invited me to PH, or Providence House. I began attending the meeting of teenagers and middle schoolers every Wednesday night at 6:30, earning myself $5 every Friday for playing a wacky game in front of everyone. Not knowing God, or even caring He existed in this place, I continued going for friends and the money.
2007: Something inside of me wanted attention during this time. Something at home wasn't what I wanted, and I began to self harm. I would rub erasers on my arm until it broke the skin, and became infected. I would hit myself until bruises would develop. But the worste of these, is I would cut myself. With needles, with razors, with scissors; with whatever I could find. This went on for quite some time. After I finally told my mom what had been going on, one of the leaders at PH was contacted. Melissa began "mentoring" me, helping me through my problems and, eventually, working God into my life. Though I didn't completely understand or want to understand what she was saying, the self harm began to decrease and I thought I was done. Later on in the year, around September, I remember lifting my hands in submission to the song "Fire Fall Down" at the altar; and I finally gave my life to God.
2008: My daily self harm had stopped, and I only ran to it when I needed control over something that didn't go my way; bad grades, family, etc. I began my freshman year of high school, and was beginning to understand God a little. Over the summer, a new youth pastor took over PH and began leading it in a new way, which I liked. I was invited to be a part of the PH Discipleship Program, which I felt an honor. It was more of a leadership class, and I was extremely happy that I was finally understanding God, His power, and so I thought, His love. In November I began talking to the boy who would become my first love. We hit it off instantly, and were perfect for eachother. We had enough in common to talk all day everyday, and began dating January 11th of 2009.
2009: Price and I dated until June, and the fall took place in between then. We got intimate in ways we should not have. After feeling conviction from the Holy Spirit, we sat down with his parents and told them what we had done. His parents made us split up, leaving me & my heart completely shattered. Throughout the rest of my freshman year, I dealt with major depression due to the fact I only ever was wrapped up in him, and not in God. Summer of 2009 I attended Verge camp for the very first time; AND I LOVED IT. There was a presence of God so strong there, and I had thought I'd finally found healing and freedom. I went back to school that following August, and lived as though nothing was wrong.
2010: Steal dealing with hurts and pains, I ran from guy to guy hoping the next guy would be better than the previous guy; none of them satisfied the loneliness in my heart. I played church for awhile, claiming to be closer than close to God, and spending time with Him as much as possible. I met a boy via Facebook over the summer, and we began talking, eventually dating. I knew this boy was NOTHING like the man God intended for me to have, and I knew this boy was not saved. Yet, it drew me in even more. I began hanging out with him, and doing things I knew were not pleasing to God. He never truly hurt me as bad as I'd been hurt before, but I know he hurt a bit of me. During the summer of 2010, I attended Verge camp for the second year. And this year, I was saved. There was a moment when I was down at the altar, crying my eyes out, that I knew God had finally ripped apart the chains. He threw them in the face of the enemy and said "No, no more" and I finally said "No, NO MORE!". I was freed from my depression, hurts, pains, and fears this past summer. I was also prophesied over this summer, and was able to build amazing relationships with fantastic woman of God. I started my junior year in 2010, and was representing Jesus like never before. God gave me a hinge moment in 2010, and I took it. Packing up my life, my friends and my family, and moved to Michigan to persue what The Lord has for me.
2011: I followed the Lord to Michigan, and am in search of what He has. I've found a church, I've found a youth group, and I'm starting school soon. God is going to work wonders here in Michigan, and I can't wait to be a part of it!
Psalm 35:9 "Then my soul shall rejoice in the Lord, exulting in his deliverance."
Psalm 36:9 "For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light."
2006: While bombs were being set off in India and Baghdad, I was a 7th grade student at Northwest Cabarrus Middle School. During this time, a friend of mine invited me to PH, or Providence House. I began attending the meeting of teenagers and middle schoolers every Wednesday night at 6:30, earning myself $5 every Friday for playing a wacky game in front of everyone. Not knowing God, or even caring He existed in this place, I continued going for friends and the money.
2007: Something inside of me wanted attention during this time. Something at home wasn't what I wanted, and I began to self harm. I would rub erasers on my arm until it broke the skin, and became infected. I would hit myself until bruises would develop. But the worste of these, is I would cut myself. With needles, with razors, with scissors; with whatever I could find. This went on for quite some time. After I finally told my mom what had been going on, one of the leaders at PH was contacted. Melissa began "mentoring" me, helping me through my problems and, eventually, working God into my life. Though I didn't completely understand or want to understand what she was saying, the self harm began to decrease and I thought I was done. Later on in the year, around September, I remember lifting my hands in submission to the song "Fire Fall Down" at the altar; and I finally gave my life to God.
2008: My daily self harm had stopped, and I only ran to it when I needed control over something that didn't go my way; bad grades, family, etc. I began my freshman year of high school, and was beginning to understand God a little. Over the summer, a new youth pastor took over PH and began leading it in a new way, which I liked. I was invited to be a part of the PH Discipleship Program, which I felt an honor. It was more of a leadership class, and I was extremely happy that I was finally understanding God, His power, and so I thought, His love. In November I began talking to the boy who would become my first love. We hit it off instantly, and were perfect for eachother. We had enough in common to talk all day everyday, and began dating January 11th of 2009.
2009: Price and I dated until June, and the fall took place in between then. We got intimate in ways we should not have. After feeling conviction from the Holy Spirit, we sat down with his parents and told them what we had done. His parents made us split up, leaving me & my heart completely shattered. Throughout the rest of my freshman year, I dealt with major depression due to the fact I only ever was wrapped up in him, and not in God. Summer of 2009 I attended Verge camp for the very first time; AND I LOVED IT. There was a presence of God so strong there, and I had thought I'd finally found healing and freedom. I went back to school that following August, and lived as though nothing was wrong.
2010: Steal dealing with hurts and pains, I ran from guy to guy hoping the next guy would be better than the previous guy; none of them satisfied the loneliness in my heart. I played church for awhile, claiming to be closer than close to God, and spending time with Him as much as possible. I met a boy via Facebook over the summer, and we began talking, eventually dating. I knew this boy was NOTHING like the man God intended for me to have, and I knew this boy was not saved. Yet, it drew me in even more. I began hanging out with him, and doing things I knew were not pleasing to God. He never truly hurt me as bad as I'd been hurt before, but I know he hurt a bit of me. During the summer of 2010, I attended Verge camp for the second year. And this year, I was saved. There was a moment when I was down at the altar, crying my eyes out, that I knew God had finally ripped apart the chains. He threw them in the face of the enemy and said "No, no more" and I finally said "No, NO MORE!". I was freed from my depression, hurts, pains, and fears this past summer. I was also prophesied over this summer, and was able to build amazing relationships with fantastic woman of God. I started my junior year in 2010, and was representing Jesus like never before. God gave me a hinge moment in 2010, and I took it. Packing up my life, my friends and my family, and moved to Michigan to persue what The Lord has for me.
2011: I followed the Lord to Michigan, and am in search of what He has. I've found a church, I've found a youth group, and I'm starting school soon. God is going to work wonders here in Michigan, and I can't wait to be a part of it!
Psalm 35:9 "Then my soul shall rejoice in the Lord, exulting in his deliverance."
Psalm 36:9 "For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light."
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