All Along.

Its not everything it seems - the world and its dreams. Slipping like water through my hands, tonight. All the things I thought would fill me up, left me empty here - and now I know why. All along I was looking for something else, Your something else. All along I was looking for something more Your so much more. I finally found what I could never see before, You've always been the one that I was looking for. All of my castles in the sand, washed away again. And Im left back where I began - tonight. The only thing that could ever fill me up has been right in front of me: all the time.

Im not quite sure why I wrote this. I was just listening to the song All Along, by Remedy Drive. I love that song. Lately, the devil has really been messing with me: and its driving me insane. Last week, I felt something strong from God, and the devil is trying to take that from me. He's making me feel extremely insecure, and making me feel worthless and alone. Its awful, to be quite frank. But this song, All Along, helps me find some closure. "All along I was looking for something else, Your something else. I've finally found what I could never see before, You've always been the one that I was looking for." I just love that. It reminds me that I have him, and that I dont always need approval from others. Today at work, there is a girl I work with who gives off the vibe she doesn't like me. In a way, I'll admit, I do try to please everyone. I mean, I dont suck up just to get them to love me, but I want people to like me. Hmm, that sounds kinda bad. I mean, I just dont want to give people a reason not to like me, You know? But anyways, it hurt my feelings because she was being rude to me. Not super rude, but You could just tell she was being rude. Anyways, Gods securing me & thats alllllll I need.

My poem.

My Rara passed away last Friday. For the funeral, my mother / grandfather / uncle asked me to write something to say. And this is what I wrote:


Dear Rara,
Today I stand here in front of Your family.
In front of Your kids, in front of Your friends.

We love You so much I just want You to know,
None of us ever wanted to see You go.

From day 1 to 23,101, You smmile shone so bright, just as bright as the sun.
A daughter, a mother. A sister, a gardner. A nurse, a lover, my grandmother.

I promise forever You'll be in my heart, even though You had to depart.

Your dancing with angels in Heaven with God,
Your finally in the place where You belong.

I end this letter with a prayer from my heart:
Dear Lord, thank You for my Rara. Thank You for blessing us all with this wonderful woman. Take care of her daddy, and give her my love.
Love You father,
Amen.

Thank You Holy Spirit.

So, the picture looked alot better on the internet. I tried to enlarge it, and it just looked bad ... haha. But yesterday at school, something amazing happened from something terrible. Were reading this book in my honors English 2 class, called The Count of Monte Cristo. Im extremely bored by the book, to be honest. But anyways: I was absent three days within the past two weeks, and I was so lost in the book. I am currently about 15 chapters BEHIND everyone else: stressful right? Our teacher makes us take little Senteo quizzes on the SmartBoard every day about th past chapters we read. So yesterday, I didnt read the chapters we were assigned. The girl I sit next to offered to help me cheat, and I agreed to it. Literally, as soon as we finished with the quiz I felt conviction from the Holy Spirit. Then, I felt it from the Devil. I was so angry when the Devil was putting thoughts in my mind: but I was just glad I could figure out it was him. So anyways! After class I went up to my teacher and said: "I'm gonna be honest, I just cheated on that quiz. I have so many things going on right now, Ive honestly had no time to catch up on myr eading. If You give me a zero on that quiz, thats completely fine: it doesn't bother me. But can I have until like, Wednesday to try and catch up reading?" and You know what she said to me? " I cant believe You would cheat on a quiz. I trusted You as a student. Just for that, Your getting a zero on the next three quizzes."

Haha, just kidding. This is what she said: "Well, being honest like that shows a good person. I appreciate Your honesty, and for that I'm going to give You a zero on this quiz and You wont have to take the one tomorrow. Try and catch up reading as much as You can by Wednesday, and let me know what You get done.'' Then she continued to ask me about the things I was busy with, haha.

It was just great that God convicted me like that. Since Two weeks ago Sunday, God and I have become extremely close. Why? Because I have a new passion for him, and Im keeping it alive :)

April 39457, 2010.

Feeling a little on the random side today, indeeeed. So, we just got our internet back today: well actually, we just got our computer back today: which has been amazing! I mean, its been good and bad not having the internet. Let me esplain.

Good: because I've had more time to spend with God, and more time to somewhat catch up on homework and what not.

Bad: because its the way people love to communicate; over Facebook & email. So, I had no communication with some people for like, a week or so. Haha.

- But in the time that I did not have my computer, let me just tell You of the new & exciting things happening in my life :)

A. ) I have a dance recital coming up this Saturday. Im pretty excited, I must admit. I havn't danced in front of people in ... oh, five years? I love dancing. :)

B. ) I got a job! Im a hostess at Txlc (Texas Land and Cattle), and its fun. I love the ladies I work with. Their a little weird, but their hysterical and fun to be around. Actually, I worked tonight. It was just me & Reaghan for the last two hours. So, I made two of the other waiters get us food (smoked sirloin & bread, mmmm) <-- that was my dinner :)

C. ) Top News Event is Wednesday! I had a real heart change about this. I had invited SO many people to it, because I was told I was going to get the last major role in it. Then when the time came, I really prayed to God: "Choose the person who would be best for this. If its me, then so be it. If not, then choose the right person", and of course He did so. But anyways, we learned this SUPERCOOL Stomp type dance: its awesome.

But thats basically all the new awesome stuff in my life. Hmm, I think Im going to go read and such. I have like, 20 chapters to read by Wednesday for English: ick!

MAKEUP - cont.

<--- Here is me, with no make up on!

As I posted before, I was going a week without make up: and that week ended today. I learned alot of things, and I also overcame a few things. I realized that just because a girl wears make up, doesn't mean she's beautiful. Sure, make up can make us beautiful: but every single girl is GORGEOUS without it! Im so glad I did this, it was an amazing experience. Let me go day by day here:

Monday, 4/12: First day without make up. It was kinda akward, and I still felt somewhat self - concious, but I got through the day.

Tuesday, 4/13: School went normal, but it was still an akward day for me. Went to church after school, and nobody noticed I had no make up on. Once I told someone, they still said I looked beautiful ... that was nice! Reading my word today, I dug in and was waiting for a reply from God. Wanna know what I heard? Job 4:2-5 " (2) If one ventures a word with You, will You become impatient? But who can refrain from speaking? (3) Behold, You have admonished many, and You have streangthened weak hands. (4) Your words have hellped those tottering to stand, and You have strengthened weakened knees. (5) But now it has come to You, and You are impatient. It touches You, and You are dismayed. Man, is my God a funny man :)

Wednesday, 4/14: So tempted to put on make up today! We went to UNCC to see the play Assasins today, and I was oh so so tempted to wear mak up and look nice. I didnt put any on, and It was awesome. I still felt a little self - concious, because I had a huge pimple on my forehead & I got a cold sore /: But God gave me courage! And I felt good again.

Thursday, 4/15: Today was another one of those tempting days ... I auditioned for a girls senior exit project after school (she was doing acting), and I was so scared I would look horrible without make up. But I looked good :D Also, a guy I had been crushing on talked ot me today. What does that show me? That guys dont care! I read a comment on the other blog I posted about make up, and it really made me happy :)

Friday, 4/16: Not too much happened today. I dressed up somewhat, and I looked nice. I was very, very confident today in myself! God and I had a huge, huge, I mean HUGE time together Thursday night ... man was that an encounter! I heard, and felt so many things from God it was amazing. I believe I realized why I did this.

God gave me a new level of confidence. I've always said I dont care what people think: and yes, that is true. But now its starting on a new way, that I dont care if they think I look bad without makeup. Cause that doesn't bother me anymore! It also led me, somewhat, to a new level of freedom.

I Love My Dadddddddy :D

My juxtapose.

I think I was riding the bus when it finally hit me. The things that I've so long been angry, and upset about. Christians, and Hispanics. Hmm, weird combination right? Well, just look at the title.
Im going to be very honest in here, and I hope if You read this You dont view me differently. I used to be majorly racist towards Hispanics. Ive had SO many wrong run - ins with a few hispanics in my city. I viewed them all the same: rude, gross, sluts, and pigs. I was at the mall one day, and I remember an old man (Hispanic) stared me and my friend down: stared us down. We were only in what, 6th grade? I was so freaked out, and extremely angry. I told my mother "Mom, Im going to flick him off. I dont care what You say". And so I did, and I was extremely fine with it.
Whenever I was around friends who were fine with Hispanics, they would always say things like "Their just trying to find a better life here, not all of them are the same". I just sat back and thought to myself "Yeah, okay. Their just ruining the country and raping everyone". (Like I said, Im being honest.)
But sitting on the bus today, I realized that their somewhat in the same positions as Christians. I watched a video at church last Wednesday, and it was about a "bull horn guy" who stood on the streets yelling at people about Christ: and that if You didnt follow God, You'd burn in hell forever. Sorry, I feel like Im going all over the place with this blog trying to get my point across, just stick with me. Hold on, let me try and find that video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLIkeltz4z4 <---- Here it is.
Anyways, it really just hit me: one person can mess up everyones perception of something.
- Christians: people take being a Christian so lightly. Thats why so many people get the wrong opinion about us. There are some Christians who claim to be bold, and they go around partying and doing un - Godly things. This really hurts, knowing this is what is "representing" a Christian
- Hispanics: the way that man stared me down in the mall, really changed my view on all hispanics. It makes me feel bad for all the Mexicans who are seriously trying to change their lives here in America: it just makes them look bad.

I hope this makes sense. Im not going to read over it before I post it, Im a bit too tired for that: haha. But like I said, this is me being completely honest.
Thanks for reading, :)

MAKEUP!

Today, is Wednesday April 14. It is 9:14pm, according to my clock.
Last Sunday I went out to lunch with a good friend of mine. She was telling me about how beautiful she was, and its obvious ... she's GORGEOUS! She told me about how she used to wear T0NS of makeup, and still not feel pretty. Now, she barely wears makeup and I still think she is one of the most beautiful woman I know.
Anywas:
I've decided that for this entire week, April 11 - April 16, I will not be wearing any makeup.
I didnt just do this to try and "test" myself, to see if I could do it. I felt compelled. As I stated in another blog, I've always been super duper self concious of myself, and I really wanted to see how I felt without makeup.
Oh, it was awesome. Yesterday, Tuesday, I was straightening my hair after just getting a hair cut & brow waxing. I had on sophees and a bra, and I was just roaming around my house. Usually wearing that, I would feel extremely insecure and overweight. But nah, I felt awesome! Haha, that feels akward to say :p

But just this week right now, I feel like its a good time to do this. I've been asking God to show me how beautiful I really am, without wearing worldly things: such as makeup. Tuesday, I really felt beautiful. As I did today! (Besides the fact I got a cold sore, and I have a mighty pimple on my forehead).

Another thing is, boys! I've had my eye on this cute guy here lately, and I've always wanted to talk to him: but I never have. I got nervous today when I was like, stuck with him alll day basically, haha. But he came up and talked to me, which actually made me confident in a way, because it actually showed me that guys dont care if I wear make up: they'll still talk to me! Which makes me happy, ahha.

But anyways: I'll probably post a final blog on Friday after I go through the entire week, and I hear s'more things from my dadddddy.

My prayer.

Dear Lord,

I praise You God, and I lift up Your holy name. I thank You Jesus for allowing me to abide in Your love. I pray that You would help me to die to myself, and to be resurected as a new being through You, Christ. Lord, I aknowledge that You pre - destined me to be on Earth for such a time as this. Also, that You chose me, as Your child: holy and blameless, beautiful and strong. I also aknowledge and agree with the fact that You've chosen great works for me to do, through You. I ask that You would give me peace, acceptance, love, kindness, and especially forgivness. I pray You would transform me into a princess warrior. Thank You daddy ♥.

- Amen.



(John 15:9), (Romans 6:11), (1 Corinthians 5:7), (Ephesians 1:4-5), (Epheasians 2:10), (Ephesians 4:32), (Ephesians 3:12).

He calls me, Rosebud.

I took a class called Thrive at my church, every Wednesday from January 27th - February 24th. It was a four week class, about finding greater freedom. Thrive \'thriv\: to grow vigorously; to progress toward or realize a goal despite or because of circumstances; flourish. I took the class because of some difficulties I'd been having. Imma be honest: I have a broken heart right now. And that is the main reason I took Thrive, was to gain freedom from my heartbreak and to break the chains off of me, the bondage. I took this class, and the first two weeks I gained things. The last two weeks, I completely slipped up and didn't pay attention. But anyways, thats not what Im writing about.

The last class, one of the pastors leading the class told us to take a few minutes and just talk to God. He said to ask God of some things he wanted to say to us, and show us. So, I did. Wanna know what God said to me?:

"You are beautiful."

"Im the person You can have a real relationship with, and You can trust me."

Those things hit me the hardest, just let me tell You. I struggle with self image problems, and this is the only time I've ever made it public, go figure right? And, Im afraid of relationships: with people in general. I have a major fear of rejection. I dont exactly understand this right now, but I beleive God will show me in his time.

God also showed me an image when I closed my eyes. The image of the hills up there? Yepp, that was it. Haha, funny story actually. Well not funny, it was just God being himself :) Sorry, I find God as a humorous man.>

So this image that I saw at Thrive, okay. Refer back to the image above. Now, imagine that: but with God and I. Its kinda hard to describe, but I'll do my best :D Were holding hands, and were frolicing (silly word, but its the only way I can truly think of to describe it.) He was dressed in a white gown, pure as snow. His brown hair was flowing in the wind, as was his gown. I was dressed in all white. A dress, You see, which was also flowing in the wind. He was telling me things, and it was just an amazing thing. (Hope that describes it!)

Its kinda funny, everytime I pray, I get distracted S0 easily by the devil. I think about that image, every time I pray. I believe that God gave me that image for that specific reason: hay - ho, praise God :)

I love my daddy. Oh! The title! Seems like it has nothing to do with this post, correct? A leader at my Youth group was talking to me just the other day, and she told me ... gah, I dont remember the exact words. But she told me that I was Gods little Rosebud. I believe she said: "He calls You his Rosebud." I remember awhile ago we went to Cook Out, and she told me: "Your just starting to open up, and He's showing me things about You." She also said that Wednesday when we talked. I just love that. He calls me Rosebud.

I knew there was a reason I loved the name Rose, :)

More about love?

So, I really dont know what I think about love anymore. I see these people all over Facebook and Myspace, claiming their in love. To be quite honest, I get jealous: extremely jealous. I want someone to love me. Someone to call me beautiful; tell me Im special; hug me; hold me; kiss me; love on me. Thats not too much to ask for, is it?
But I just dont get it. I know what Earthly love is, I've been in that once. Ha, heals over head to be exact. Everyone brags about Godly love, and I want that. I've heard oh so many people tell me how to obtain it, but I just cant seem to do so.
So what exactly am I trying to say? I honestly have absolutely no idea. This is my overall view of love, if You will:
1. It scares me.
2. Im scared of rejection, basically.
3. It can hurt.
4. It can last for a short period of time, or a long period of time
5. It can be beautiful, and wonderful

Hmm, I believe thats all I can really say about it. I want it, yes. But ah! So, so scary.
Sometimes, I just look at these children who claim their in love and I just want to say: "Your not in love, You dont deserve to be in love. Why? Because IM not in love, so You shouldn't be."
How awful is that right? Im not sure how to change these feelings toward love. I know God needs to work in me about that, and Im trying to let him in. But what happens when he gets to close? I run, and I run fast.


"I dont know what to think about love. Its been so twisted and mis - used, Im not even sure what it is anymore."
- Samantha Alvarado.

Lucky in Love.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.

This verse has just opened my eyes.

I was in a relationship over a year ago with the boy I thought I was going to marry. I thought everything was perfect with us, and I always wondered: what went wrong? But now looking at this verse, and really digging into it, I think I realized what went wrong.

Love is a beautiful thing, Im not gonna lie. I loved being in that relationship. I loved having someone there to hold me when I cried, someone to tell me everything was going to be okay, someone to hold my hand and hug me, someone to kiss me, and someone to cuddle with. God made us to be with other people: he didnt make us to be loners!

I just really have been living with alot of the memories from this past relationship, and I needed to get this out of me somehow. Im not sure if this is going to anger him, but I guess we'll find out. Its my blog, I can do what I feel right? Haha. Anyways, I deffinitely wanted to put ^^ that picture down here, and I wouldnt let me. So, thats that. Haha.

Hmm. So love: its wonderful, but scary. Thats my story, somewhat ;)

Gods Hands.

Today, I went to see my grandmother ( pictured left ) in the hospital. About three months ago she was diagnosed with Melanoma Cancer, which is cancer of the skin. We were told she would have about 2 - 3 months to live: were on month 3 right now. Yesterday, I overheard my step - dad talking to someone on the phone about my grandmother having (n) pneumonia (respiratory disease characterized by inflammation of the lung parenchyma (excluding the bronchi) with congestion caused by viruses or bacteria or irritants).

As I was getting ready for church this morning, my mother came in and told me she wouldn't be able to take me today and that she had to hurry to the hospital: my grandmother had slipped into a coma. I was terrified: I've never had anything like this happen. I had to stay home with my siblings, for three hours, and wait for a call from my mom. Finally she came home around 12:00, and told me what all was happening. She was still sleeping alot when my mom came home. So we all took our daily naps, and around 5:45ish my step dad called and told my mom that if we ( my brother, sister and I ) wanted to see Rara today we would have to go up there. So we went up, and we saw her. I talked to my grandmother, and she told me some great things that I will always cherish. She said to me, from what I understood: "Sammy, Your such a beautiful girl. Never forget that, and follow Your heart. ( I believe she was talking about God at this time, but I couldnt exactly understand her. ) Look at how far He's carried everyone else, look at it. Dont get mixed in with the bad people. Dont let them get You." These words will forever be in my heart.

The reason Im really writing this, is to just say how blessed I feel. I love this woman to death, and it took me too long to realize it. My mom married my step dad November 30th of 2002. I did not like my step dad, and I did not like his family. We all lived in Florida for about, oh Id say four / five years together, then we all moved to North Carolina. It wasn't until about a year ago, when I started actually accepting him and his family: Im so glad I have. Anyways, Im just so thankful to be a grand daughter to Myra Taborek. She's such a great inspiration to me. She was an RN, a great mother, a wonderful gardner, skilled at cooking, and a great advice giver. I know Im going to miss her so much when God takes her, but Ill be glad to know she will be in good hands: Gods hands.

eudiajda.

Its late, and I have the worste headache. But, I want to write. I dont know why, but I just do.
Here goes nuffffifn.





S: ure, life gets hard. But I'm glad to be alive and well.
A: t some point in my life, Id like to star in a musical.
M: aybe, I'll change the world one day.
A: ctually, I think I'd really like that.
N: umbnut me, I almost just spelt my name wrong.
T: hats quite alright ... atleast I caught myself!
H: a, its fascinating how names came to be.
A: lllllllllll done. :)

Christ.

Christ died for me, Christ died for You.
Why wont You believe me? I know that its true.
I feel him inside me, the joy in my heart.
He will never leave me. Not even when Im falling apart.
He loves me for me, and thats quite enough.
I know that is real, not even a bluff.
I just wish everyone would understand,
what he is: a truly, wonderful man.

- Samantha Alvarado.

Love;;

Is probably one of the only things ever on my mind anymore. I dont know if thats a good thing? Or a bad thing. I've only been in love once, and I must admit it was one of the most amazing things I've ever experienced in my life. I want to be in love, more than anything. But I know thats the wrong thing, well in a sense. I think love is patient, beautiful, and kind. But Im so impatient sometimes! I just want to rush right into things, and I know that can be wrong, and end up in wrong ways. But I wonder why its on my mind so much. I want everyone to fall in love. Every girl to find her prince charming, and every boy to find his perfect little lady. But I never want anyone to go through heartbreak ;; that would absolutely kill. But in today society, thats what I see alot of honestly. Ahh.

Lucky In Love _ : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bu4l8eOXIDM

I cant stand,

What America has become!

Does anyone else but me realize it?

Just about everyone is obsessed with sex, drugs, money, alchohol and smoking products.

I dont know about You, but that just drives me insane.

It just shows that people think so lowly of themselves, Ya know?

Giving theirselves (sp?) away like that to other people their not gonna marry.

Obsessing over money, and running to drugs and alchohol when nothing goes right.

My heart goes out to these people, it really honestly does. It just kills me to see America fall like this. I wish people would just see whats actually happening, and how its not helping at alllllll. Maybe not in a "religious" stand point, thats not even what Im going at. Just to see how none of this actually can help You, it just makes things worse.

Oh Mr. Perfect.

Oh Mr.Perfect, I love the way You look at me: like Im the only girl alive.
Oh Mr.Perfect, I love the way You say my name: so mesmorizing.
Oh Mr.Perfect, I love the way You talk about me: no embarassment there.
Oh Mr.Perfect, I love the way You flaunt me: true affection.
Oh Mr.Perfect, I love the way You hold me: I could stay in Your arms forever.
Oh Mr.Perfect, I love the way You say "I Love You": I know You mean it so.
Oh Mr.Perfect, I love the way we get along: its to perfect to be true.
Oh Mr.Perfect, I love the way You talk about me: like Im a godess.
Oh Mr.Perfect, I love the way You say my name: like an angel.
Oh Mr.Perfect, I love the way we act around eachother: it comes naturally.
Oh Mr.Perfect, I love the way You kiss me: oh, that I cant even describe.
Oh Mr.Perfect, I love the way we have everything in common: fate? destiny? true love.
Oh Mr.Perfect, I love the way You love God: the most important thing of all.


Oh, Mr.Perfect: why cant you exist in real life?

Thoughhts.

I want to blog, but nothings coming to me as of right now. So, I think Im just going to write down my random thoughts ;;

1. I wish they would perform Good News! again at my school: I absolutely love that play.
2. I wish I would have auditioned for Good News!
3. Haha. I was driving to the gym earlier right? And I had the windows down, letting the wind blow, since it felt so awesome outside today. & I think I got a tan, haha. My arms absolutely burn!
4. I love those Recees Easter Eggs, mmm. :)
5. I wish people still realized what the true meaning of Easter was. But, its okay.



Im done now, ahha. <3