Please?

Dear those who once loved me, and my blog,


Please don't give up on me. I'm working on fixing my relationship with God. I know it is not good...it's barely there. I know I have some followers who read every blog, encouraged me, prayed for me, and loved me. Ever since my relationship with God went down hill, all my earthly relationships went downhill as well. As I said, please don't give up on me. I'm working on it...I know what I have to do, I'm honestly just being the worlds laziest person. Please pray for me, and ... don't give up on me? Ha. I say it a lot, but I've had TOO many give up on me. I need you now more than ever.

Thank you for everything you do. Prayer, gifts, love, relationships: everything.


Sincerely,
Samantha.

Phewwwwwwie.

Sundrop. Texas Land and Cattle. Kelsey Yvars. Chick A Lay. Northwest. The Mills. Cook Out. Jay Joyce. Sonic. The Refuge. 365. Sarah Cannon. Bekah Efird. True worship. Nice weather. NO SNOW. True friends. Sarah Kirk. Deshaun Taylor. Viviana Donate. Josh Watts. Nutttttties < 3333 Northlake. The speeedway. Cherry Lemon Sundrop. CASA GRANDEEE !@#$%^&* Biltmore Estate. Rara and Poppy. Theatre. Pastor Portaaaaa.


I'M GOING HOME TOMORROW. :)
Eeeeek eeeeek eeeeek. Haha. I'm so excited! I can't wait to see everyone, and eat everything, and go everywhere, and see EVERYONE!!! It just stinks that I have homework...grrr AP Psych/English. But no man, I'm so excited to go home. Like, I don't think anyone besides Kelsey understands. I feel like I'm just gonna cry when I get there...hahahaha.

I think one reason I'm so excited is because I get to go to the Refuge. I know I moved to Michigan for God, but ever since I've been here I've only fallen from God. I really hope that something happens when I'm there...I can't wait to worship with the band, and lift my hands, and cry out to God and GAAH. I can't wait :')

So, just as an update, my friend and I started a colorguard club at shcool. It passed, and we started having practice! I seirously flipping love those girls. They make me so happy, and I love being able to hang out with them. I Love how they're all real. Like, they talk outside of the club and they aren't afraid to just be straight up with eachother. I LOVE IT. :)





Hmm. OHMYGOSH. Today was the last time I'll see Babi for 3 years :( Babi is my exchange student from Switzerland...booo :( Her, Celine (Belgiume xchange student) and I went to Ann ARbor yeserday for dinner. We had so much fun! I"m gonna miss Babi...WAAAAH :(

Alright. WEll I gotta go pack. I figured I would blog, because I haven't in a while.





I miss myself, and I miss God.
K, be blessed and have a WONDERMOUSSSSS Christmas :)

Lord, why have I run? When you, in the beginning, created everywhere I could run. Did I think I could possibly hide sucessfully from You? You, the Lord Almighty, knowing every millimeter of the Earth and speaking it into creation. You, the Lord among all Lords, knowing all. Me, a human, hide from the King?

Lord, why have I run? I know nothing apart from you. You are my portion, my love, my hearts one desire. Why have I run in my greatest time of need?



Lord, why have I fallen. Fallen so far, all seems hopeless. Lord save me. Let your grace catch me, and bring me back to the place I call home.

Stuck.

Heyloooo my followers. I can't remember the last time I blogged...and I'm so sorry for that. As I'm sure many of you know, I'm currently stuck. I haven't really been listening to God lately. I miss Him a lot...I'm just being extremely stubborn...all because of a boy. Who woulda thunk it?

I'm extremely dissapointed with myself, becauses I know that I love God. I was sitting at the gas station yesterday with Zach, and we saw a lady walk out and start walking home. It was snowing, and pretty chilly outside. I told Zach how sad I was to see this, and how I wish we could give her a ride home. Zach said "Did you not see what was in her bag? Alcohol, vodka." I told him that we can't judge people like that, because we don't know their story at all. She oculd have been born a crack baby, or maybe raped when she was younger and lost hope. I miss being able to be a free Christian. I feel trapped in myself honestly. I don't talk to anyone anymore, or express anything. I do the same thing every day: school, work, homework, sleep. Every single day. Work consumes me lately. I'm training to be a server at work, so I've been at work almost every single day this week. I'm trying to get back into cheerleading, but it's been hard with trying to pay $203 a month for my car. I'm really stressed. I seriously can't wait to go home to North Carolina. Michigan isn't really what I expected...I mean, I found Zach don't get me wrong. But I know GOd wants more. I want more, for me and Him.


Prayer? I feel awful asking for prayer knowing that I'm being a lazy selfish Christian...I just need to know when to break the habit...when to step out of my box...I miss my CHristian life. I miss Verge. I miss prayer. I miss church. I miss worship. I miss crying for God. I miss scavenger hunts for God. I miss it all.




Be blessed.

James.

I am in love with a man name James.

I've been dealing with many struggles lately. I haven't felt worthy enough of God. I haven't felt pretty or thin enough. I felt like I wasn't doing enough for God daily. I felt like I wasn't where God wanted me. I was sad, lonely, angry, depressed, jealous, envious, self ambitious, prideful, arrogant, and judgemental. I was quickly angered, and rude. I'm getting out of these, thank God, and tonight was the awesome start to it.

A couple days ago, Zach came over to watch some movies with me. We were sitting downstairs, and after watching The Hunchback of Notre Dame with my sister, we had a "serious talk". I told him about how I was still sad, and angry and confused as to why I was suffering so much. He said something along the lines of "I don't want this to sound mean, but I hope you start your period soon." It made me laugh, honestly, because I get extremely moody when it comes to my period, so y'all girls understand me there ;) I really didn't think that the past couple weeks of me being so miserable could possibly be my period, and I believe it partially was. As soon as I started my period, I was like "relieved" and didn't feel as miserable. (Sorry to bring up the P word, boys).

This morning I was ecstatic to go to church, because I think I've finally found my new church in Michigan :) But anyways, I got to church and worshiped and prayed, and as pastor James (OHMYGOSH. Pastor James...blog title James...just hit me.) began his message, it was just amazing. He preached on lying today, and how to overcome it. He gave 10 examples of how we lie, and how we could overcome that. He started off with identifying them, then listing 10. After I left service, I came home to find out my stepdad left the house for another business trip, and I was home alone. For the past couple weeks, I have been afraid to be alone, because the feelings of depression and sadness would come back to me. But yesterday, I decided that I wasn't going to give into that anymore (I kinda figured thats why I started my period...the devil was tired of trying since I had decided that I wasn't giving in anymore. Booya sucka.) Just lost my train of thought...crapdoodles. OH. So when I got home today, I was ok with being alone. I talked to Zach for a bit, took a nap, watched some tv, cleeaned up some, and it was good. But when I woke up from my nap, I was getting those feelings again because I kept giving in.
I saw my Bible sitting on my bed, and decided I was going to shower, then sit and read for a bit. Before I got in the shower, my mom and I kinda got in a tiff about something wtih cheerleading, and it kinda upset me. So as I got in the shower, I prayed. I actually prayed the entire time I was in the shower, and I asked God to lead me to a place in the Bible to read tonight: and He led me to James.
To be honest, I always doubt a little when I feel like I hear God speak...but it always turns out to be Him, so I need to stop that. But anyways, for those of you who haven't read James, its only 5 chapters, and it's amazing. Like, I use that term lightly a lot, but these 5 chapters really spoke to EVERY area that I asked God to help me in tonight. It talks about judging people, being arrogant, lying, slandering, boasting others in faith, being doers of the Word, being humble, resisting the devil, and drawing near to God. Like, I just couldn't have asked for a better chapter to have read right then and there...twas awesome!

As soon as I started reading, this verse stuck out to me: "Let the believer who is lowly boast in being raised up" (9). It really did help me believe that God cares about my troubles and sufferigns, and though I feel like He may not be here, I sitll know He is and cares. He wouldn't have spoken to me if He didn't care.

I almost just said it would be difficult for me to overcome this. But it won't, because I've done it before, and I know God is faithful to complete what He has started in me. He doesn't give us more than we can handle, and He sticks closer than a brother in our hardest times.




Man. It's just a good night.
What if Your blessings come through rain drops? What if Your healings come through tears? What if 1,000 sleepless nights is what it takes to know Your here? What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?
Laura Story.


Be blessed.

Oh, if y'all wanna pray for me that'd be awesome! Thank you for reaing guys, it means a lot. Love you alllllll!

UPDATE.

So, I haven't blogged in ages. Haha.

Here lately, I've been dealing with a lot. The devil is literally controlling my mind right now. I had the WORSTE break down the other day. I was laying on the floor, contemplating suicide. I know a lot of people KNOW I am strong in my faith, but I'm not perfect. So, please don't judge me on this, because I will make it out strong. I know it.

I wasn't eating, but working out. I was considering suicide. Considering leaving someone who does nothing but help me. Considering running away. Considering cutting...the devil was really trying to get at me. I'm real thankful I listened to GOd when He told me to text Deshaun and Bekah...they both helped me out, a lot. But I'm getting stronger daily. I'm listening to my heart, and not my mind. My mind is telling me that there is no point for me to live another day. No point for me to be cheerleading, or dating Zach, or eating, or doing anything. But I know God has big things for me. So, yeah :)


But, I got a job. I am now a hostess at Lonestar Steakhouse, and I start training tonight. Haha. Kinda nervous, but very excited and blessed to finally have a job. (Which is another reason I feel like the devil was getting me, because everything is going so well for me right now!)

I am also the coach for Upward cheerleading at Trinity! The director, Chrissy, called me earlier and told me there was no coach...so she asked me how old I was, what school I went too, and if I had time. I was like dude...I'll make time. Haha. So, I'm gonna be real jam packed my senior year, with sports, coaching and school, but I can do it. I believe this coaching, and coaching 7th grade, is a blessing from God. He knows how much I love cheering, and I believe this is a way He is gonna speak to me.

SO, listen to this. Ok, so my senior year I'm taking:
AP psychology, AP biology, AP literature (MAYBE. I'm thinking about switching), shop 2, practical law, honors US history, pre-calculus, and symphonic band. I'll also be re-taking my ACT in October/November, along with my SAT.

I will be coaching Upward cheerleading, probably on Thursdays, for one hour before cheering on my JV girls. Then, at their games Saturday mornings for an hour-two hours. I will be at my varsity cheerleading practices every day of the week, with games on Fridays. I will be coaching 7th or 8th grade 2 days a week, with their games on Wednesdays. I will be doing colorguard, some practices on Tuesdays, and performances on Fridays. I will also be working weekends, after Upward games.

This sounds like SO much to me...because I know that it is. This is like me last year...I had something I was doing every day of the week, but was still able to pay for my gas and insurance, so I know God'll provide for me. This is a blessing, and I'm so excited to take on these things.

Cheerleading is a passion of mine, and I truly believe God is letting me use my passion to help minister and express His love to these girls.

I CANNNN''''TTTTTT WAAAAIIIIT.


Anyways, I'm gonna go sleep before work. Ok,tooooodals.

Pray for me? Please? Shanks :)

4 months.

Today, July 27th was Zach & I's 4 months. It was also exactly a year ago today, that God freed me from depression/a broken heart, and took me by the hair and yanked me to His love (I mean, He really wasn't that agressive about it...He was much sweeter, actually).


Today was an alright day. I went to cheer, came home, went grocery shopping, took a nap with Zach and Jackson, went to Zuma WORSHIP, then had guard. Then, afterwards, Zach picked me up and took me to get a milkshake (because I have the weirdest obsession with them). We went to Cascades to sit and talk, and as I was taking a sip of my milkshake, I almost choked. It sat in the back of my throat, and I had to seriously just sit there until I could calm myself down enough to swallow. One of the scariest things I've ever experienced, because that was about the 3rd time it happened today.

After Zach and I talked about it, I couldn't help but ask him, with tears in my eyes "Zach, why doesn't Jesus just make it stop?" Zach said "I honestly don't know. But He always has a reason for these things." So, of course, that made me cry even more. This situation has been SO difficult for me lately. I haven't been able to eat a lot, and if I do, its something unhealthy. The easiest thing for me to eat is an Oreo, and I can only eat so many of them before...yeah.

It was also nice, because after Zach and I had that discussion, we sat and prayed for awhile...twas quite nice actually.



I dunner why I blogged so randomly...but I just felt like it, because I felt as though it needed doing. So, if you could keep me in your prayers about my throat? I don't know what's wrong with it. The doctors don't know either. We don't have the money to take me to the doctors, and my parents don't think anything is honestly wrong. So please, prayer warriors, help a girl out?

Blesssssings y'all.

11:18 pm.

I just love late nights with God.

I decided I was gonna turn off the tv, and pray. Because I literally have a peice of paper, front and back, of prayer requests. So I was gonna sit down and pray. I felt led to start from the back, bottom, and work my way up: so I did. Then when I got to a certain prayer, I realized my heart wasn't tender enough to pray it up. So I turned on some worship music, and just truly let the spirit in. Like, I spoke in tongues (mind you, I believe the last time I spoke in tongues was Verge of 2010...), so that was a huge deal to me.

As I started speaking in tongues, I realized that God understood what I was praying for. This is gonna be hard to explain, but I wanna try. See, I knew in my head what I was praying for, and I knew what I was praying for, as did God. But I felt as though God didn't want me using English, but tongues. So I did...and it was super cool! Then after awhile, I wanted to pray for my needs, and realized that I didn't need to, because God already knew my personal needs, and if its His will, then He'll meet them in His way :)

Tonight I really worshiped to a lot of Verge music from last year, because Verge is literally a week away for those lucky stinkers going :p But it really made me think of Sean Smith prophesying over me, and how he said that God answers my prayers, because I pray the will of God. I just can't explain how much of a blessing that is, to know that when I pray, it's the same thing God has on His heart. Like, I share that with God...ah!

But yesh, I felt like I was supposed...ok, I was told to blog about this by Him. So, there it is. Haha.


Hebrew 9:11-14 "But when Christ came as a high priest of the good things that have come, then through the greater and perfect tent (not made with hands, that is, not of this creation),He entered once for all into the Holy Place, not with the blood of goats and calves, but with His own blood, thus obtaining eternal redemption. For if the blood of goats and bulls, with the sprinkling of the ashes of a heifer, sanctifies those who have been defiled so that their flesh is purified, how much moe will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without blemish to God, purify our conscience from dead works to worship the living God!"

Why Christians are so Happy.

I see a lot of depressing status's on Facebook, and not only does it make me sad, it makes me way too angry. The devil just thrives on stealing peoples joy. He's done it to me, and I love being able to laugh when he tries to do it now: because it just doesn't happy anymore. Many ask why I'm so happy all the time, and I tell them "Because I'm a Christian, and I have the joy of the Lord". They're usually confused, so I'm going to try and explain it the best I can.

God is just joy. Like, He's a joyful person. What other person is always positive, always on our side, always telling us how He loves us, always forgiving us, always providing for us, never giviing up on us, and promising us life eternally? Nobody. I mean, living day by day knowing all of these things makes me an extremely happy person. Knowing that God knows His plans for me, and has promised me them, makes me even happier! Reading the Bible, and learning more about God, His life, and what He thinks of me, keeps me going during the day.

So many people don't believe in God these days, and I understand that: I'm surrounded by it daily. But then there are those who believe in God, but do not live the Christian lifestyle, which is understandable I suppose. But, living the lifestyle is so worth it. I just can't explain how worth it it truly is. The joy, the promises, the blessings, the excitement, the walk, the talk: it's just exciting! So many people are scared to "convert" because they don't want to give up they're party life, but I can tell you first hand loving Jesus is WAYYY better than anything you'll ever smoke, every drink, or ever bang (for lack of a better word). I became a true Christian last summer, and I honestly could never think of turning back. He's brought me out of depression, and out of suicidal thoughts. Everyone complains about wanting to be accepted by someone, and loved by someone, HELLLLLO? Jesus's word PROMISES US acceptance and love! Everyone complains because they can't find a job, or money, but Jesus is the ultimate supplier! God has supplied me with gas&transportaion since I've been out of work, and we're sitll looking for a job together. But He is the supplier, and lover.


I understand why people don't want to change to a Christian, because I was the same way. But once you have that tast of Jesus, you're gonna want Him more and more and more and more and more and more until you're just a spitting image of Jesus :)

Theres this Natalie Grant song that I just ADORE. The chorus goes:

"So make me over, make me new. Make me a mirror, a reflection of you. Take me all apart, take me to Your heart and hold me closer. Oh Jesus, make me over".

I encourage you to look up the lyrics to that song, or listen to it. It makes me cry listening to it, because it is SO moving.

I don't really know how to end this blog....haha. Just be blessed, and think about how happy you could be, if you haven't found the Lord already. I promise with my life, He is the best thing that can happen to you.

Thing's I Wish I'd Known Before Dating.

Zachary and I are reading "Boy Meets Girl: Say hello to courtship", by Joshua Harris. It's really opened my eyes to dating, and how it should honor God. Here's just a simple list of things I wish I'd known before dating so many times before:

1. God knows who you're going to marry.
I'd dated so many guys before, but only thinking one was the one I'd marry. I wasn't truly following God though, so then I didn't know that I was totally living in sin. God knows the plans He has for us, it says so in Jeremiah 29:11. So, I wish I wouldn't have given my heart to so many people before I found the right one.
2. Love isn't love without God in the relationship.
I had "loved" guys that I'd dated. I say "love", because I told them I loved them, but I don't think I felt love but once. We tell our "other" that we love them, because we want that feeling of acceptance, and "ownage" in a sense. But you can't seriously love without God. Like, God created love and made it for us to enjoy. I personally don't believe that we can honestly feel love unless God is in the center of it. Because He destines who you're to be with, therefor He knows the love that will take place, because I loves us more than anything, ya know?
3. PHYSICAL ISN'T WORTH IT.
Sex is not worth having in a relationship. In a sense, making out or even kissing isn't either. As Kayla Detar once told me, "Kissing leads to babies, so don't kiss guys". I wish I'd have listened, haha. Some people believe in a relationship "Well, this person and I are going to be together for a long time: I know it. So we're just gonna have sex because it feels good, and I wanna be close to them." Like, sure it brings you close to them, but once you realize that you're not meant to be together and you break up, it hurts like a muthha: trust me. It leaves you with unecessary baggage, and heartbreak.
4. Wisdom brings a good relationship.
That's one thingMr. Harris brings up in the book, is that in order to have a good relationship, you have to have wisdom. Godly wisdom, I mean. But also from leaders If nobody is speaking into your relationship, then what good is that? We don't keep our relationships hidden, we express them through PDA, Facebook, etc. But we also talk to our friends about them too, correct? Sometimes our parents, our aunts/uncles, cousins: we tell people about our relationships. If we tell the wrong person about our relationshipk, we could easily get the wrong advice/influence. I know not everyone is a Christian, and not everyone is going to go to a Godly person to seek wisdom, but I must be honest, we are some of the smartest people when it comes to relationships, because we're in a relationship with the One who created love and relatinoships Himself ya know? So...gaining wisdom and knowledge in a relationship can make it soar!
5. Putting up with abuse isn't worth it.
I've dealt with physical/emotional abuse in a relationship, and I can tell you upfront it is NOWHERE near worth it. I put up with it because, like I said, I "loved" the guy I was with. Looking back on it, I just can't believe I just sat there and dealt with what he was doing. No girl, or guy, should ever compromise themselves for a guy. Not only changing your appearance or personality, but not letting someone abuse you! PHysically, emotionally, sexually: it just doesn't bring good to anything! And if someone is doing that to you, then God MOST CERTAINLY WITHOUT A DOUBT has someone uch better for you.


I know these are only 5 reasons, but I believe that they can be helpful to someone who reads this...and I pray that they do! :)

Tough break, huh chika?

So uh, yeah. For any of the Michiganers who've seen me lately, y'all know I'm a wreck: from head to knee. Lemme just tell ya wassup, incase ya don't know:
I have the weirdest head thing going on. We think its soriasis (spelt wrong, I know).
My throat has been acting up lately, due to acid reflux (reflex? doc's pronounce it oddly). So, eating has become harder for me.
My wrist is sprained, and I have to wear my brace for the next 2 weeks (during cheer tryouts...sweeet).
My knee is acting up too! Like, when I put weight on it or walk on it normally, it acts up.
Oh, lastly, (it's not a body thing) but money is so stressful right now. I think I have 40, maybe 30 dollars to my name? I cannot tell you how difficult that is for me, because I pay for my car insurance, my gas, and the internet on my phone. It's just super difficult.

The devil is like, hardcore killing me right now. I mean, it's not like he's suceeding, he's just trying like real hard. It's kinda funny though, because I just look to the sky and God's talking to me. I know that sounds weird, but it's true.

I've kinda lost my "flow" for blogging. I don't know how my posts are going lately...they're kinda just "here's this, and here's how it ended. Praise God". So uh, try and keep up wouldja? ;)

I posted before about my breakthrough of faith with God and Zach, and I just feel like these are minor tests in a way, because they've all been faith based. We spent over $350 on hospital visits/medication for me, and I've spent around $20 on my own. It's been such a struggle on our family, but even though they aren't believers, I know God will provide for us all and keep us ALL safe, sound, and secure.
As for my body, I don't know what God'll bring from this. He certainly has given me a new perspective, because I happened to see a boy at church tonight, who was missing a leg and his face was severely burnt. Zach and I were outside setting up a tent, and as I wias complaining about my leg, I turned around to look at Zach and said "But atleast I have a leg to walk on". I feel like this is God trying to make me more thankful for what I have. I mean, I've always thanked Him for my little things, but now I'm seriously just so thankful for EVERYTHING. Like, the little and big things. Many injuries can sure do that to ya.


BUT ANYWHOOOOOOS, Zachary&I are reading a book titled "Boy Meets Girl". It's about courtship, and how it goes. It's so awesome to read, and it's super interesting. We're reading 2 chapters a night, highlighting/marking, then praying and discussing the next time we get together. I think this is really going to help us grow more, and grow stronger in our relationship wtih God as a couple. I just can't express how happy I am to finally be doing a relationship correctly, and be enjoying it this much!

Hmm. I'm going to see my great grandmother tomorrow. She is severely ill, and depressed (if y'all could say a prayer for her, and keep her in your thoughts?) my moms uncle Tony (Grandmas...son?) passed away, due to a motorcycle accident, and doctors/cousins believe my grandma is trying to numb the pain with like, Clariton, Advil, Tylenol, and is using medications to help her sleep. It breaks my heart more than anything to know that she's living in this state /: I'll see what I can do to slip some Jesus in her lunch tomorrow ;)



Yepp. Well for now, I'm going to go play my new Nancy Drew game (It's the secret of shadow ranch, for you hardcore ND players). No Zachary, I will not cheat this time...unless it gets REALREAL hard!


Blessings to you all, and thanks again for taking the time to read whats really going on in my head :)

Faith.

So, for a while I was going through a really difficult time. But I'm finally overcoming it.

While I was in Traverse City this past weekend, Zachary and I had a deep discussion about our relationship. He asked me to be his girlfriend, and I was terrified to say yes. But I felt like something was pushing me towards it, so I said yes. Afterwards, I felt this awful tugging at my heart saying "WHY DID YOU DO THAT? It was so wrong!" But I heard a sweet voice say to me "Psalm 6". So I read it, and this is what it says:

Please God, no more yelling, no more trips to the woodshed. Treat me nice for a change; I'm so starved for affection. Can't you see I'm black and blue, and soul? God, how long will it take for you to let up? Break in, God, and break up this fight; if you love me at all, get me out of here. I'm no good to you dead, am I? I can't sing in your choir if I'm buried in some tomb! I'm tired of all this-so tired. My bed has been floating forty days and nights on the flood of my tears. My mattress is soaked, soggy with tears. The sockets of my eyes are black holes; nearly blind, I squint and grope. Get out of here, you devil's crew: at last my God has heard my sobs. My requests have all been granted, my prayers are answered. Cowards, my enemies disappear. Disgraced, they turn tail and run.

I was so afraid that the voice yelling at me was God, but once He led me to that verse, I knew it was the devil; because the voices went away after I read it. It just goes to show that when you're faithful through the trials, God always blesses us and saves us.


:)

Mirror Excersize.

Tonight, was rough. I've really been dealing with a lot lately, and SO MANY attacks from the enemy. So I was sitting in my bathroom, in a ball, crying: for about a half hour. So I decided to call Zach and just vent, so I did. He calmed me down, and I hung up the phone. I got up to go downstairs, and I happened to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I did not like what I saw.

My face was extremely red, and there were huge bags under my eyes. It made me realize that I wasn't made to be that hurt, that heartbroken from the enemy and from this world. So I spent a few minutes just saying positive things to myself in the mirror. I would remind myself that God was my strenght, I was beautiful, God knew His plans for me, He always helps me, and so on and so forth. It was so helpful, and it helped me step out of the depression the enemy continuously tries to slip me into. I know this was a simple post, but I'm slowly progressing...I repeat, slowly.




(My most recent "go to" saying) Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord.

Part Deux.

In my previous post (PG-M), I expressed my concern about myself and my walk. Well, I'm happy to say that I'm on a track to fixing it. I sat here listening to Needtobreathe, Hillsong, and Kim Walker, and cried my eyes out for a good 30-45 minutes, all to come to the conclusion that God is saving me from pain.

As I stated in the other blog, I was putting my identity in Zach. Well, I texted my amazing friend/mentor Bekah, and talked to her for awhile about the situation, and she really helped me. I told her how I felt EXTREMELY distant from God, and that I was hurting and in pain. She said to me "Tell God happy fathers day, thank Him for everything He's done for you, and ask Him what He wants to say to you", so I did. He said to me, "I love you, and this will all work out". I told this to Bekah, and she confirmed it (so, I know I wasn't making it up. Haha.) Though it's hard to accept, I don't know what God means by "it'll work out". That could mean that Zach and I will work out, or not. Though I'm hoping thats what it means, I still am not positive.

I was going to take off of Facebook until Zach got back on the 26th, but got back on due to Bekah and God. I read a friends status on Facebook, and it just spoke to me. I feel an overwhelming peace right now, and I know that's the peace that God brings: and only God can bring. I know that today is today, and tomorrow is tomorrow. I'm scared for tomorrow, and I'm scared for what could happen. But I know God is going to give me strength through this, and is going to help me and supply me with everything that I need.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you."


I could still use as much prayer as possible, as this summer is going to be tough for me. So please, keep me in your prayers blogee's. Gracias, and blessings.

PG-M.

PG-M, for mature adults.




Today is Friday, June 17th, and I have a confession: I'm not as strong as I may seem. A lot of people may say that, but I'm really not. Here lately, I've fallen far from where I should be. In earlier posts, and as seen on Facebook, for 3 months I was in a relationship with someone whom I truly loved. After feeling conviction, we broke up. We're still close, and talk everyday, but I didn't understand why we needed to break up, or why I was feeling so much conviction. So I was just creeping through Twitter one day, and pulled up a website my old youth pastor had posted. It was 10 reasons why you shouldn't be dating the person your with. Out of the 10 reasons, 2 stood out to me. One of them said something like "Because you don't want to, because you're afraid of being alone, and you had your identity in them", and the other "Because God said so". So, yeah. I realized that I have my identity in Zach, because without him, I'm afraid I'll be nothing. As he is in Europe right now, I'm taking this time to re-define myself in God, and realize who I truly am. I know that I want this to happen so Zach and I can become a couple agian, but I also need this for me. I don't want to be reliant on someonelse again. I was for the longest time, and I cannot stand to be in that place again.

When I lived in NC, Hayley Stewart was my mentor for a little while. She let me borrow a book (sorry I haven't given it back yet!) by Bob Hartley titled "The ABC's to Prayer". It has every letter of the alphabet, followed by verses stating things about God. Its actually realllllllly sweet. In the beginning, it has the ACTS of prayer: adoration, confession, thanksgiving, and supplication. I've never really believed in these ways of praying, because I remember recieving something like this in 7th grade, and looking back on it I think it was very religious. But after praying through that "way of prayer", it was so so so so helpful. In the T part of the prayer, it said something like "Those who have trouble hearing the voice of God, or have trouble entering his presence, are skipping out on the confession" (I replaced some words for easier understanding). But it really made me think, and has really been helping me, just reading through this and my Bible. My current youth pastor also gave me a simple devotional book that's been helping as well.

To be honest, it's been so hard for me right now to relocate myself in God's world, if you will. I read a Tweet by Lecrae today that says "Be careful when you find you're only thinking, praying, & living for yourself. A selfish lifestyle is a Satanic lifestyle". That really convicted me as well. I can straight up admit that I was doing this for Zach, and because I wanted to get back with him. I wanted to fix things with God, and get right back with Zach. Now knowing the intentions of my heart, I've been able to pray through these and attempt to get things right. Though I'll admit, my heart isn't 100% focused on God right now, I know that I will make it where I need to be. Because His burden is lite, and I know that when I draw near to Him, He will draw near to me, and He will supply and help me.




The Lord is my light and salvation. Whom shall I fear? Whom shall I be afraid?

CNN HLN NWS.

I was driving home from cheer today, and this awesome idea popped into my head: I was going to watch CNN HLN and pray for every headline (incase you don't know what CNN HLN is, it stands for CNN headline news). So, I'm sitting here now watching HLN, and, of course, they're talking about the Casey Anthony trial. So I'm praying that God's will be done with this situation. Only He, Caylee, Casey, George, and the grandmother truly know what happened. I'm just hoping justice is seved.


I just thought it was a cool idea, because I never really know what to pray for exactly when it comes to our nation. I mean, I can pray for our nation as a whole, but I feel like HLN is the channel to watch and pray for. Yeppp.


Well, hopefully some of you readers will take this up. Just a thought. It's interesting, and fun :)

18.28

I just don't know what to title these anymore. I give up.



It's currently 10:40 on Memorial Day of 2010, and I'm sitting in bed. See, our air conditioning is broken, causing me not to be able to sleep. It makes me wonder what its like for those in other countries who don't even have homes...I've had a lot of realizations this weekend. I went to the lake with Zach & his family, and I had too much fun. It felt really nice to just get out and go somewhere besides Jackson...ew. But I just had a lot of things just hit me all at once. I don't know if I'll be exposing them all, due to some of the folks that read this, but just a lot of things came to mind.

I'd been struggling a lot with my weight, and I feel like it's coming back. Hmph. Flippping summertime $%^%^&* If y'all could pray for that, that'd be AMAZING.
I'm also starting my cheerleading workouts, which have been to good for me. They seem to be getting me in good shape, and I just love it. We run a mile at every practice, then we stretch for about 30-40 minutes, do our jumps/heel stretches/chants, then we stunt/tumble, depending on the days, then we done. It's so much fun, because our new coach is BEYOND strict, and I just love it. She's an amazing coach. Oh, prayer for that would be majorly appreciated as well. It's gonna cost a lot, and I'm pretty sure I'll be making the team (crossing fingers).
Along wtih colorguard. I made the guard a couple weeks ago. We haven't done anything with it, but I made it. Prayer as well for that please. I think it'll be a couple hundred, considering I HAVE TO play clarinet anyways next year. That's one of the things I'm not so fond of with Western bands. Band class is a full year long, and I have to play my instrument 2nd semester. UGH!@#$%^& Oh, prayer for a job as well please. That'd be fantasticcccc.

I just miss Northwest, and I really miss the swing of things. Everything made sense, and worked out perfectly. But I'm done complaining...for now.

I'm so thankful for Memorial Day. I Love that we have veterans. To be honest, I never really thought about them until this year. I have America at War 5th hour, and just being in that class this year has TRULY opened my eyes. I love it, and am so glad that we have soldiers willing to give their lives for our country. My heart is forever grateful < 3




Yepp. Well, I'm hott and I don't feel good. I think I'll try and go to sleep now. Let's see how this goes. BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Oh, please pray for my spiritual growth as well if your reading this and decide to pray for me about stuff...it'd be so so so appreciated. :)



Mathew 16:13 "Now when Jesus came into the district of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, "Who do people say that the Son of Man is?" And they said, "Some say John the Baptist, but others Elijah, and still others Jeremiah or one of the prophets." He said to them, "But who do you say that I am?" Simpon Peter answered, "You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God." And Jesus answered him, "Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father in heaven. And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not prevail against it."

106

I've come to the realization that I can't please everyone.


I mean, I'm not a "people pleaser", persay. But I never EVER wanna give someone a reason to hate me. So, I don't know what exactly you would call me ... but I just don't like people hating me, and I just wanna make people happy. But last night at work, it truly hit me, that no matter how nice I am to people, they can still hate you for no apparent reason.

I'm pretty much always nice to the people I work with (minus Jorge & Ricardo, but ya know.) and last night, I heard one of the other girls just gossiping like it was her job right in earshot of me. She probably did it on purpose, but what bothers me is that she was acting fine when she came back up: that's one thing I absolutely can't stand. If you're gonna sin, and gossip, don't play pretend when you go to see the person. !@#$%^&*( Drives me crazy I tell ya.


Well, now that I think about it, I'm not 100% positive she was talking about me, but I'm abut 97% positive she was, just because of the things she was saying that somewhat referred to MOI. But back to my main point...I've just realized I can't please everyone. I don't understand why, but I can't. Maybe God has it that way for a reason. Maybe the devil is just being stupid, and playing that to his advantage. I just don't know.


But what I do know, is that I will always be a disciple, and I will always treat my neighbor with kindness, and love them as Jesus has loved me.

Just a thought.

Anyone who listens to a Christian radio station has heard Britt Nicole. Whether the song be Headphones, Lost Get Found, or Have Your Way. But one of my absolute favorite songs by Britt Nicole, is Set the World On Fire. I first heard it at my sophmore dance recital, and downloaded it. It didn't really hit me, the lyrics anyways, until the middle of my junior year, when I'd finally given my life over to God. Well, as I'm sitting here attempting my French homework, I turned on my iPod and that song ccame up, & it really made me think. I'd thought about the TONS of girls on Facebook book I'd seen, who's statuses said:
Take my dreams, come and give them wings. Lord with You, there's nothing I cannot do.

If you haven't heard the lyrics, check them out: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/brittnicole/settheworldonfire.html



But seeing their statuses, and hearing the llyrics, this question popped into my head: how many of us actually live that out?


Like, the lyrics. "I wanna feed the hungry children, and reach across the farthest land. Until the broken there is healing, and mercy in the fathers hands." Or "My hands, my feet, my everything. My life, my love: Lord use me". God gives us SO many opportunities in a day to minister, that I probabloy couldn't even count them on 10 hands, we just choose to pass them up because we're scared. Don't get me wrong, I can be the same way, and I'm really trying to conquer that fear. I just think we need to change our schools, and communities. Heck, we even need to change our churches! This just popped into my head, and I had to let it out.


"He's doing a new thing, so He's singing a new song. People get ready: Jesus is coming".

Yeah, I'm still here.

Someone brought to my attention today, that I haven't blogged in ages, which happens to be correct. I've been really busy lately, and quite a bit back slidden. But I'm back on track, and back on blogging!


Today is Wednesday, May 4th, and I have a cold. I began back sliding a couple weeks ago, but Pastor Andy's message really gripped me on Sunday night, praise the Lord. I've really just begun a new walk, if you will, to a place of reconciliation with the Lord again, and I is EXCITED. !@#$%^&*

I really just realized today how mean kids are. Like, in my oral comm class, this kid was doing a presentation and the kids around me were just like, laughing at him. It made me mad, I guess because I absolutely HATE seeing kids being picked on. I just wish I coulda gained some courage and stuck up for him ... in good time though.

Also, this whole Osama Bin Ladden thing has certainly run its course. I don't really have an opinion as to whether I'm happy or sad that he's dead. I mean, I am but I'm not you know? As a lot of people have seen/posted on Facebook/Twitter, Osama died a sinner, and that seriously upsets me. I know he was a terrorist, and he planned 9/11, but does anyone deserve to burn in the pits of hell forever and eternity? Ya know? I just wish we could have reached him somehow. Speaking of reaching...something inside of me wants to just start a new outreach program. I don't know how it's gonna happen...but you bet your botom dollar it will.

The play is over at school, and now I'm stuck at home every day afterschool. I got a YMCA membership, so before summer I'll have my slimmed & muscular body :)

Prom is Saturday, and I'm still not excited for the dance. I'm pree much only excited for dinner/dressing up/bowling/after prom. Yeah, I guess that's kinda bad.

There's really not a whole lot going on in my head right now. Yeah, that was such a lie...haha. I don't know. I guess not a whole lot I'm willing to share with anyone right now, just those select few that are close to me.


PRAYER REQUESTS PLEASE:
If you're reading this and happen to be a believr, please pray for me.
1. I really need a 2nd job to pay for my phone bill/gas/car insurance.
2. I've been treated wrongfully at work, and I just need God to do something there to make it stop.
3. Breakthrough & answers with a certain situation.
4. SELF CONFIDENCE!





Shanks my awesome followers/readers :)
Keep posted, I promise to be blogging more often!


"Hallelujah, for our Lord God almighty reigns. Just and holy, He is worthy: OUR GOD REIGNS."

Who am I?

I have 10 minutes to write a blog ... let's see if I can do this and get out what I want! I only have 10 minutes, because I told myself I would start writing my AP paper at 5:00 ... here we go.


Here lately, a lot has been bugging me. Like, a lot has been eating at me. For example, how badly I want to pack up and move back to NC. But I have to keep reminding myself that its all for God. It's so hard though! I've mentioned in another blog how I get those "God wants you to know" things on Facebook. Today, it said something (8 minutes) about me being myself, and putting my guard down. Hmm. I don't know if I've been doing that or not lately.

Quite a few people have been like "Your so ... bipolar. You're nice one moment, but you beat people up the next." I don't know why, but that really bugs me, because I don't think I"m like that. Or I try not to be, anyways. I've noticed that I am, but I don't know if its actually my personality or just me acting a certain way, and I just realized how awful that sounds ... not even knowing my own personality (7).

Also, I have NO girl friends up here /: I mean, I have a few that I talk to, but none that I TALK to. No best girl friends. Like I've said, I prefer having guy friends ... just cause they're chill I guess. But (6) I miss having girl friends to talk to. I was recently backstabbed, and I feel like that's going to hurt my trust with girls, which is just going to be harder for me to make friends. PLUS I'M STILL NEW. This just stinks. Haha, I just thought about this. I do "beat up" guys a lot. Like, not beat up, but hit and punch. I don't know. I like being considered "one of the guys" because I like having guy friends. I feel like girls look at that and think "Slut. She only hangs out with guys." No, not really. I'd rather have a friend (guy) that doesn't judge me, and can treat me like a normal human being, than a friends (girl) who backstabs me, and lies about me but also acts nice to my face. BLAH.

The girl who backstabbed me also said some things about me. It make's me worry that people are going to think differently of me, and less of me. It was truly eating me up ... but I decided that I don't care. Like, (5) if someone really cares about me, or wants to actually get to know me, then they can talk to me themselves. Or ask me if whatever she said is true. I mean, I don't know. People are gonna hate, because they reject the unfamiliar. But I don't know. I've heard a lot of things about myself circling around lately, and I'm like "Woah, do I even know you?" It's kinda sad, actually. That people don't have enough to do that they'll sit around and talk. But (4) I've decided to keep my eyes on Heaven, and what God wants, rather than what I want. He's better. Yeah.


So, I don't know. I guess, in a way, this is defending myself? But also, it's an apology to anyone I've been rude to. I've realized that I do that A LOT and I don't mean too :( It's so hard to find true, honest, good friends. Please, if you're reading this, pray I find who I need. Thanks :)



I praise You, because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, I know that full well- Psalm 139:14.

Truth Is.

I'm sick. I've been sick for about a week now, and I believe its strep throat /:



I don't know if this is going to be long. I wrote another blog, and deleted it, because I didn't think it was what God watned me to post as of now. So, hurr we go.


I was driving somewhere the other day, and I had this shocking reveleation: "If I'm not doing things daily to build the kingsdom, then whats the point?"

Does that hit anyonelse? It bugged me. I've been really convicted lately. I have no idea what I'm doing right now. Like, I'm wasting days not telling people about God. I'm surrounded by TOO MANY people who don't know, and don't believe. Gah, I have to do soemthing.


Alright, that's it. Sorry its short.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope, and a future".

Well Surely,

I don't know what to call these anymore. I've run out of names, AND I missed my 100th post. BOOO :(


But anyways, I have an update! And something I'm actually going to "blog" about. (Mr. Kim, it's a happy one today). Well, thanks to Zach Arntz & Andy Walker, I will now be speaking at B.O.L! (Bridge of Life. From what I've gathered, it's somewhat of a missions trip). I'm so excited! I get to give my testimony, and speka, and pray and AH. I'm seriously so excited.


But time for the blogging:

I've been thinking a lot lately, and after hearing it from a lot of folks, I've decided that I've grown A LOT lately. I didn't decide that just from hearing that from other people, but also because I've seen it inside myself! Pastor David? I think his name is was talking at church yesterday about how he knew he'd changed, because he could see God growing inside of him, and I realized I noticed that in me too. I no longer ignored people sitting alone, I talk to them. I no longer cuss out someone because someone gives me a dirty look, I smile at them. I invite people to church, I offer to pray for people I know don't believe, and I just love like Christ does! Now listen here, I'm not doing this to brag on myself, I'm doing this as somewhat of a "marker" for me. Like, SO many times did I mess up. Run back to God, and just mess up again and again and again. But now like, God is just so big in me that I don't think I could ever go back ... never!


Also, God is faithful. I mean, anyone with a brain should know that. But here lately I've really been seeing that in my own life. A week or two ago, I was dealing with something I hadn't dealt with in years. I was literally begging God for help, and for an escape: he brought me Zach, one of the most amazing guys I have ever met. Not because he's my boyfriend, but because he's an AMAZING man of God. It's so awesome being able to just talk to him about anything, and pray with him about anything. I honestly believe he's the "escape" I was asking for.
Along side that, I have been looking for a job since ... before I moved here? Haha. I pay for my own car insurance, my own gas, and for part of my cell phone bill. Needless to say, I needed a job ASAP. The Saturday after my "guardian angel" stepped in, my mom and I went to Los Tres Amigos to have lunch. They had a sign on the window saying they were hiring, so I decided to fill out an application. After I ate, I gave the manager my application, he read over it, and talked to me for a few minutes. He said he would call me tomorrow (Sunday) and would let me know if I had the job and what not. So, he called on Sunday and I went in and had an "interview", which was him basically telling me the rules, because I already had the job. I work 3 days a week, and its absolutely perfect, because the other 4 days that I'm not working, I have play rehearsal :) It's so cool how God works things out perfectly like that!




"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". Jeremiah 29:11

Thank you, God.

Thank you God, for creating the universe.
Thank you God, for creating the human race.
Thank you God, for creating the clouds, the birds, the trees.
Thank you God, for creating my mom.
Thank you God, for creating me.
Thank you God, for moving me to North Carolina, when all I did was fight against it.
Thank you God, for Maddie bringing me to PH.
Thank you God, for leaders who sought me out.
Thank you God, for leaders who never gave up on me.
Thank you God, for leaders who saw potential, and spoke life into me.
Thank you God, for your Holy Spirit.
Thank you God, for putting me in life changing situations.
Thank you God, for my family: ALL of my family.
Thank you God, for moving me to Michigan.
Thank you God, for my friends.
Thank you God, for the people I've met in Michigan.
Thank you God, for the lives I've touched in North Carolina.
Thank you God, for the opportunities you have & continue to open for me in Michigan.
Thank you God, for sending your most precious to die on the cross.
Thank you God, for caring enough about me to send your son.
Thank you God, for talking to me, and giving me peace.
Thank you God, for my house.
Thank you God, for my car.
Thank you God, for the clothes on my back.
Thank you God, for the food I eat.
Thank you God, for the ability to speak in front of large crowds.
Thank you God, for the passion to dance.
Thank you God, for putting me in Western High School.
Thank you God, for the teachers & peers I've become acquainted with.
Thank you God, for your love.
Thank you God, for blessing me with siblings.
Thank you God, for bringing me out of depression.
Thank you God, for showing me how much you care.
Thank you God, for providing.
Thank you God, for your healing.
THANK YOU GOD, FOR CALLING ME YOURS & HAVING A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME.





Into the darkness you shine, out of the ashes we rise: there's no one like you. None like you.

Opportunities.

I'm the new girl, obviously. Guys always go after the new girl, and I'll be first to admit I notice it. But see, the thing about me is I love having guy friends. I feel like I've said that in a blog somewhere else, but I do. I'd prefer having guy friends over girl friends, even though I like having girl friends as well. I feel better confiding in a guy, I guess due to previous girl/trust experiences. It was weird. I was talking to my friend Maddy about prom, which is like the ONLY thing we talk about in Chem. Haha. But I was telling her how I didn't think anyone would ask me, because all my guy friends are ... well ... friends. But today was like, uh woah.

Monday at rehearsal I asked Ben if a certain someone (lets call him, ManX) was going to prom. He told me ManX wasn't planning on going. So we had a little discussion about that, and he asked me "If ManX was to ask you to prom, would you go with him?" and I said "Absolutely, I wanna go with him as is." So Ben talked to ManX and blah blah blah. Today at school, it was like all hell broke loose with boys! I had 2 guys admit they were going to ask me to prom, someone tell me 4 other guys we're considering asking me to prom, another person tell me 5 guys liked me, and I had someone say he was going to ask me to prom Friday: WHAT?!

This is crazy. Like, the people that we're going to ask me are my close friends, so that was a little awkward for me, but I still love 'em! Yes, I have a prom date (it is ManX, not that you know who that is anyways), but yeah. But the other cool thing was, God opened up some interesting opportunities for me.

FriendX, not ManX, was one of the guys that said he was going to ask me. He's been dealing with a lot lately, and is just about ready to give up. It's cool though, because he comes to ME when he needs advice, giving ME the opportunity to introduce God, and work Him into the conversation. MAN ITS AWESOME.





I don't know. I know thats short, but I'm just getting some really neat opportunities lately, and it's not one of those things like "Ok, heres the problem, but its an easy code to crack". Like, I can tell this is going to take time & it's going to be a challenge to help FriendX, but I'm really excited. I love seeing people come to God, and overcoming things. I just can't wait to see where God takes this!


Then I realized my desperate need. When I cried out He rescued me He can set you free just look at me! Me & God had beef, because of a sin but because of the cross; I am redeemed, my lifes been BOUGHT.

What a Realization.

Every Friday in my Oral Comm. class, 3 people volunteer (or die being chose) to do a show & tell. So this past Friday, Blaze, Brittany, and Katy did one. Well, Blaze was the first up, and I was honestly excited. The kid's always interested me ... and annoyed me. But he set up a picture of a man in a navy uniform, took out 2 dog tags, and another picture. He passed around the second picture and dog tags, and later descrbed the standing picture to us, as his brother who is in the navy.


When he started talking about his brother, he told us that his brother was never the brother to push him away when his friends were there. He wasn't mean to him, and he always told him to do good. Always friendly, always nice, and always there to talk to Blaze when he needed things; this really made me think.


I have 2 younger siblings, and for the most part, I'm nice to them. I admit, I'll snap on them sometimes when they bother me, or when they yell at me, but like I said I'm usually nice to them. But after hearing about Blaze & his brother, I got a little upset, and I got some convictin. I realized that I wanted to be that to my siblings, or atleast my sister. So my parents went out last night, and I watched my siblings. My mom rented Just Dance 2 for us to play, and rented us a movie. So at like, 7:30 or so my sister and I went downstairs to play the Wii while my brother watched his show upstairs. At like 8:45, I told my sister I was going upstairs to watch Degrassi for a bit. So I put my brother to bed and watched TV. When I put my brother to bed, I kinda messed around with him a little, in a playful way, and it made me happy to see him smile when he went to bed. I went back downstairs after Degrassi (at 9:30) to put my sister to bed. When I she was all tucked in, I told her that she was a girl, and when she gets older she's going to face a lot of difficulties and problems in life. I also told her that whenever she needed someone, to come talk to me, because mom was too old and didn't understand ;) So she said ok, and that I was more the age anyways. (She listens to music while falling asleep), so I turned on her radio, and we danced to her music for like 10 seconds. Then she finally went to sleep.




Last night/Blaze's show&tell really made me appreciate them. It made think of my aunt, and how her relationship with her dad wasn't good before he passed away, and I realized that I didn't want that to happen with my siblings. I mean, it's a possibility. I want to be close to my parents/siblings forever, and I'm thankful that God gave me the siblings that I have now.


HAPPPPPYBLOG!

The BEST guys in Jackson.

As requested by one of the select few, here is the list:


Michael Krebill.
Tommy King.
Drew Herlein.
Quinton Alexander.
Jamer Zelmanski.
Ben McGill.





Ok, that is all.

Deep.

No, this post has NOTHING to do with Valentines day ... other than what I just posted.




I've been wanting to post this for awhile, but I've never really sat down and typed it all out. Well, everything I've wanted to say about it. So here it goes. I think I'm ready, and in a way, I'm excited. I feel like this is going to help someone. And if it does, please let me know.







7th grade, a new girl came to our school. She was beautiful, and funny, and nice, and everyone wanted to be friends with her. I became decent friends with her, and we talked on a daily basis. We had this notebook that we passed back and forth with notes to eachother. We told eachother our deepest secrets, and things we wanted no one else to know. Eventually, the topic of self harm came up, and she confessed that she would cut herself. She told me she would take the spring out of the side of a spiral notebook, and cut her forearm with it. Since she was so popular, I decided I wanted to do the same thing to be "cool" like her, and draw major attention to myself. So I began cutting myself as well, but instead of a spring, I took an actual razor. After awhile, she stopped cutting herself and was done for good. Her and I then stopped being friends, and I became "close" with another girl in my classes. She was, as I called, a "major" cutter as well. She used a razor, she even popped pills at times. Her and I also had a notebook we passed with notes. I wrote something in there to her about me being sexually assaulted and how I wanted to commit suicide. I had been lying about the sexual asssault ... not so much the suicide. She turned it into my school councelor, who then called my parents. I was taken to the hospital, and had to stay for a few hours under "suicide watch" if you will. They asked me tons of questions, had me tested for things, and I had to talk to 3 different councelors. Finally, I was released and they let me go home. My mom made me see a Christian councelor after school a few days a week, and I talked to my school councelor. By the end of my 7th grade year, I had everyone convinced I was fine again, and was done cutting/pill popping.

But then came 8th grade year.


The summer of 8th grade, I was a horrible kid ... I truly was. I got high, I got drunk, I smoked Newports and bragged about it. I sexted (yeah, in 8th grade), and I cussed more than anyone I knew. I claimed I was a Christin then, because I went to church, so I was saved back then. But during my 8th grade year, something just hit me: I became depressed like crazy. I went back to cutting, and got serious. I wasn't doing it for attention anymore, I was doing it because I was hurt, I was searching for something. I would go to Target, with my mom, and buy razors (not shaving razors, like arts&crafts razors), and tons of erasers (I would erase my skin to wear it broke, and got infected and burnt like fire). After about a month or so, I had 2 or 3 different cutting razors, a knife, erasers and scissors in a make up bag I carried with me, for "on the go" problems. I would cut everywhere I went ... school, home, the mall, even church. I remember going to a modeling meeting, and I was so stressed out by something my mom did, that I ran to the bathroom balling my eyes out just cutting my arm in every place I saw; it was crazy, because nobody actually knew.
In math class one day, I took my wallet out to show a kid sitting next to me my ID, and I happened to have a razor blade in the clear pocket of my wallet. He saw it, and took it out of my purse when I left. He took it to the principals office. I was called down to the office that day, and was asked what it was. I told him it was a razor, while extremely scared. He asked me why it was in my purse, and all I could do was show him my arm. He called my cheerleading coach, my mom, and my councelor all to the office. Needless to say, I was released from the cheerleading team, had more meeting set up for when I got back from suspension, and was suspended for having a razor on school property. He gave me 5 days instead of 10, for my reasoning. During those 5 days, I was in and out of counceling and had to give my mom all my "utencils". Those 5 days were some of the roughest. I went back to school, and played it off as fine ... again. Some time went by, and again I was back to buying razors and cutting. I remember one night I just couldn't take it anymore. I went downstairs crying to my mom, and just showed her my arm ... I didn't know what to say or do, I just needed to tell someone. We went upstairs in my room crying, and just talked. Well, tried. We were both so torn up, there wasn't a whole lot to say.


I finally got rid of everything, and started going to church. I met with a few leaders from church who truly guided me, and helped me through that situation. They led me to Christ, who has saved me and set me free from that depressive state.




Man. Sitting here writing this I've been crying. Its so crazy to think back on those days, and see how far God has brought me. Out of depression, and set me free. I can't believe it sometimes ... it just totally amazes me.


A lot of people ask the same question when I tell my story, "WHY?! Thats so ... weird." In actuality, its more of a "control" thing. When something went wrong, I could cut and have control over the pain, and over the anger. It sounds completely wack, I know, but for some people, like me, it "helped".


Judge me if you please on this next portion, but its just me being real.
Cutting feels good, to me. I havn't cut in over 3 years now, but it just does. I don't really know how to explain, but theres just a rush when cutting. I'd always get closer to a vein, or deeper into the skin; it was always a matter of how far I could go, how bad I could hurt myself. I loved sitting in the shower, just tearing apart my skin. Or sitting on my bed erasing until it scarred. Gosh, I really don't know how to say it. I just loved the feeling of cutting. Yeah, it burnt and it hurt, but it gave me a "frenzy" of some sort, and I just couldn't stop. Sometimes, I would even do it for fun. I tried so hard to cover it up after I cut. I bought medications for it, tons of scar cream, but nothing completely got rid of the evidence ... which is ok by me now. I've never showed anyone my arm, nobody ever notices. Sometimes I wonder how, but they never do. I look at it sometimes, and can't help but cry. I just can't believe how far I've come.


I'm waiting for the day that I get to preach on this part of my testimony. I know how many girls (and guys) self harm in America, and it breaks my heart because I've been there. I've seen both sides, and I know how to make it over the wall and how rewarding it is on the other side. I want to tell my story, and I want to save people by it.


You are the same yesterday, today, and forever. My father, my bestfriend, the love of my life. Forever.





If you made it this far, I wanted to say thank you for taking the time to read this. I know for some people, these things are hard to read and imagine, but thank you. I hope you don't think of me any differently, because I have changed more than anything since then, and I couldn't be more proud of myself. If you happen to see me, and want to see my arm, don't be afraid to ask. Like I said, I love sharing and I would love to share/explain/testify to the marvelous things the Lord has done in and through me.
God bless.

Hi, I'm in Jackson.

I AM SO BORED.



I'm in the mood to blog, and I just feel like ranting on anything & everything.





Its 10:32. I watched the premiere of Degrassi: In Too Deep, needless to say its been a good night. I feel extremely sick though. I ate dinner, and ate too much as usual and didn't work it off ... boo. I think I had 2 or 3 cups of Pepsi and I feel like I could yack everywhere. I'm sure you wanted to know that. I'm watching Bring it On (the original, because the others just don't compare). It makes me miss cheerleading SO much. The floor, the lights, the music, the bows, the tight uniforms, the shoes, the stunts, the bruises, the tears, the yelling, the dancing, the tumbling: I just miss it all. Deffinitely had present in Oral Comm today. I usually don't get nervous when speaking in front of groups, but I guess I did today because I was a whole 2:00 minues short on my presentation. When I practiced, I was RIGHT AT 5:00, I made 3:48 today ... LAME.


So Valentines day is Monday ... oh, my bad; SINGLES AWARENESS DAY IS MONDAY. I'm thinking about dressing up in all pink/red stuff, but I don't know yet. Depends on how much pink stuff I can find. It's so depressing to be single on Valentines day. I mean, its been 3 years since I've had a date for Valentines day ... but still! I always want that boy to take me out to dinner and do something sweet. Yack, I don't have that. Ah well. I'll probably spend my Valentines day doing HOMEWORK, since I don't hate a Valentine ... boohooo.


I'm going to see Never Say Never 3D tomorrow with Maddy & Kyler, and I couldn't be more excited. I used to dislike Bieber so much, and couldn't stand him. But I gotta admit, I love his music and I love his hair, and I just adore his face. Everyone on Twitter says the movie is amazing anyways, so I guess thats good.

I don't know why I do this, post these random things on my mind. I guess whoever wants to get in my head can just read this ... creeeeeeepy.
But chyeaaa. I have chem&french homework. Debating ... do I wanna do it now or tomorrow or Sunday? Hmm. I NEED A JOB. Gosh. I have insurance due in June, but I mean Txlc should have sent me my 4 paychecks AND MY W2 TAX FORMS weeks ago; and they still havn't. So I've been poor for like ever. The first time I typed in "poor" it was "pore". Yeah, I'm that tired. I can't stand when people like, post their problems all over Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter but don't have the guts to say talk about that problem to the person they have an issue with. Like, foreal; that bugs me. Lala.





BLAH. I have a headache, I feel sick, and I'm watching Bring it On ... I love Fridays.

I guess it's time.

Justin Bieber is one of the cutest celebs in the media (well, according to most girls ... and Quinton). Many celebrities put on a front when in public though, and act a certain way. You see the tabloids that talk about celebrity couples being so in love, and we watch Nicholas Spark movies that make us cry, but why can't relationships truly be like that? Many girls think their relationships are truly "wonderful", and "marvelous". But a lot of girls, like me, were sucked into the lie.



I guess it's time to share my deepest feelings.
2 years ago I fell in love, and its an amazing feeling, not gonna lie. After the break up though, it hurt like crazy. Ever since that day, I've had a real strain on love and relationships. I feel like a loser sometimes when it comes to relationships. I was rejected from someone who had continously told me for 4 months that he loved me, and that was certainly enough to hurt me deep down. After Verge 2010, I thought all of that would leave me, but I don't think God is done working with me on that quite yet. When we moved up here, I was terrified at first to make new friends, from fear of rejection. But of course, as Mr.Kim would say, its completely normal and human ... blah blah. But I'd never really felt like that back then. I always love meeting new people, and talking to them and hanging out with them. I guess I was just afriad for so long that I would be rejected in the way my first love had rejected me.


I dont know how to say this the way I want too ... so, I'm just gonna try my best without tearing up: bear with me.




I'm a follower of God, a disciple, and a crazy one at that. But I'm still human. I still have hormones, and feelings, and thoughts, and emotions. Now, I try not to let them get out of hand, but sometimes I just can't help it. Like earlier today, for example. I was texting my best friend and things seemed odd. Last night after Skyping for awhile, I asked him what was up with us, things seemed odd. He didn't think anything was, and so I dropped it. But today I was texting him, and it still seemed the same ... so we talked a little about it, and he made me think about what I was feeling. I texed him later and had to explain. I told him how I felt like someone was going to take my spot in his life since I moved, and how it hurt me. Of course, he didn't really respond since he's the type that doesn't, but ya know. Not only with friends do I still feel hurt and rejection pains, but also with guys. I had been talking to a guy before the move and a little after the move, and by golly he was amazing. He was cute, funny, sweet, romantic, a Christian, smart, played drums: everything I wanted in a guy, he even goes to the college I want to go to. But after awhile of talking to him, things got a little wacky. I dont know how to explain it, but we didn't talk as much as usual and so I tried to message him about it, and he pretty much ignored me. Now, I could have been pushing it on my side, but still ... I felt even more hurt then, because he ignored me, and now treats me like dirt. As does an old "friend" of mine. I told him I liked him after about a 2 year crush, was totally rejected, and was again treated like dirt ... even now.



I know that God loves me, and I know that God DID NOT give me these things ... but I'm human, and I deal with them. I run to God every day with these, and its so hard for me to not take them back. I don't know. I've just been feeling so emotionally messed up lately, and I love expressing myself on blogger for whatever reason. I'm tired of being an emotional wreck, and I'm tired of letting it effect the way I am during the day.


I'm tired of it effecting my life! I'm tired of it effecting my attitude. I'm tired of letting it effect my relationships! Gah!






By the end of this year, I will be free from heart break, and fear of rejection. By the end of this year, I will NOT be afraid. By the end of this year, oh you better bet I'll be the happiest I've EVER been.




Holy is the Lord God almighty, who was and is & is to come. With all creation I sing praise to the King of Kings. YOU are my EVERYTHING, and I will adore you.

We will ACHIEVE IT.

Today was my first day at Western High School. I left my house at 7:18, and got to school around 7:33 - school starts at 7:35. I was terrified pulling into the parking lot, because I couldn't see any of the lines in the pavement due to the snow. So, I pulled next to some other car, hoping it was a parking spot (thank God, it was). Oh, and the reason I called this "We will ACHIEVE IT" is because its part of the competitive cheerleading routine ... its stuck in my head.



For anyone who is wondering, here are my classes:
1st hour: Basic Art.
2nd hour: French 3.
3rd hour: Chemistry.
4th hour: AP Lang&Comp.
5th hour: America at War.
6th hour: Intro to Tech.
7th hour: Oral Communications.




Yeah, 7 classes. But they're only 56 minutes long which is EXTREMELY short compared to Northwest's hour and a half long classes ... not gonna complain.




So in first period, I walked in, and of course, every one stared at me like I was a freak. I approached the teacher, and she just told me to sit wherever. So I sat at a table with 2 girls and a guy. After a little while, I started talking to the girl on my left. I come to find out her name is Sophia, she's a sophmore, and this is her first year at Western too. The girl across from me ... I completely forgot her name. But she's a freshman, and it is her first year too. The guy to my right, I think's name is Jared ... but he's not new. And he's a junior. We're starting a black/white picture in Mrs. Clarks class, and our group has a page full of alphabet letters ... I can't wait to start.

In second period, I sat on the French 4 side of the room ... for a few minutes. A guy, named Matt, started talking to me from across the room. After telling me I was on the wrong side of the class, he welcomed me to the middle of the room where the french 3 kids sat. I sat behind Quinton, in front of "Justin" (I forgot his name, but he looks like a Justin to me: and I told him that.) and to the left of Matt. Behind us were Maddie & her friend who's name has slipped my mind. They were all really nice, and the class was hysterical. Madame Marks walked out like, 3 times to get coffee ... and we barely did anything.

Third period Chem, I walked with Maddie and sat with her the whole class. We did a lab, burning stuff and lighting stuff on fire: it was pretty cool. Nothing too too exciting though.

Fourth period was ... AP Lang and Comp. I got in there, got 3 books, got a huge packet along with a syllabus, and sat at a computer. The room is SO different than Stavrakas's AP class. There are 26 kids (compared to 9), and we all sit at desks with little - no space. I sat between two kids that were really nice, and helpful. I got invited into some girls "Lit Circle Group", whatever that is, and talked to a boy who was born in Concord ... I thought that was neat.

Fifth period was so boring. I dont know why she put me in this war class. I mean, I'm interested in the war, but he told us we wern't gonna do anything but watch movies. Man, why am I complaining ... we took a test in there, sorry "quiz". It was simple, yet hard. He joked around alot too, Mr.Kamke. He seems cool already.

Sixth was Intro to Tech. I sat next to a super quiet senior ... her name starts with a B, but I dont remember it ... of course. He made us take a little "test" as well, just to see what we knew. After that and explaining the class, we talked ... which was boring.

Lastly, I have oral communications: which I have come to find out, is a FRESHMAN CLASS. Yeah, I'm the only junior in there ... with 2 sophmores, and the rest FRESHMAN. I guess I don't mind freshman. BUt they're all in that awkward state, wherre they care about their appearances and blah blah blah. You know how it is. I love Mr.Kim already; he's by far my favorite teacher. He was so chill in class. Like, he was super funny and asked us random questions. He gave us simple homework. We have to fill a bag with 2-3 things that represent us and we have to present them to the class tomorrow. In my bag I have a carved wooden thing of Jesus, a ballet shoe, and my WCU tournament of champs picture. I can't wait to present!




After school, I went home, after sitting in the parking lot for 20 minutes waiting to get out (booo! No patrollers like NW). But I ate when I got home, dressed for practice, and went back to school. I'm not like, "on the team" but I am? Haha. I don't compete with the cheerleaders since they have 3 comps left, but I work out with them. I did jumps and stuff today, and worked on my back-walk-over for next season (Which, Ashley says I'm "super light" and "flow easily". Her&Paige&Yojanna said I should have it soon: eeeek!). I love the cheerleaders. Everyone says they're super snottty, and they suck: they really arn't that bad? Haha. And they're nice! But yeah, that was practice.



I only have AP Lang homework & Oral homework ... surprising. I'm sure the rest will come soon, yay! :)




Overall, I had a wonderful first day. I only got lost once, and I made friends: what is there to complain about?




You are holy, great & mighty. The moon and the stars declare who you are. I'm SO unworthy, but still You love me. Forever my heart will sing of how great You are.




For whatever reason, I feel like sharing this. After practice, I was driving home. On my way home theres a 4 way stop and a flashing yellow light. Going over the hill towards the light, I saw a cop car with flashing lights. After he passed me, I was looking in my mirrors to see his lights go out, why? I dont know. But when I looked ahead, I had RAN the stop sign and passed INTO the center of traffic. I was terrified! I had to turn left, and made a sharp turn. It scared me the most, because I ran it ... and could have gotten hit! Lesson learned: DONT STARE OUT YOUR SIDE MIRRORS ... EVER.

VDAY&L0VE.

For whatever reason, I felt led to blog about love tonight. I don't think I've mentioned this in any other blog, so I guess I'll put it in this one. I believe it was Friday? Or Thursday, I felt led to stop watching Degrassi every night after 6:00, and spend more time with God. So, I have. Every night I pray and worship, and God usually leads me to blog about something ... and tonight, He told me "Valentines Day. Love. Why you like/what you think about Valentines Day". Alrighty ...





I started thinking about Valentines Day, and came to the conclusion that I didn't really know the true meaning of it. So I Googled / Wikid / Answered the question, and these are the responses I got:



Answers.com-
To celebrate love. To share a day where you devote your love to people who you care for, you pamper each other and gives ou a reason to be happy together for a day.



Wiki.com-
St. Valentine, February 14, 1414. Wrote love letters, played a harp, "melted peoples haearts". Dressed in red/white. Had beautiful wings. Handed out chocolates, red roses, and love letters.



Google definition-
Originally a reliious day to honor St. Valentine. Day for couples to exchange chocolates. A day to exchange tokens of affection.




Now, I have no problem with couples celebrating Valentines Day: I used to LOVE celebrating valentines day! But of course, now that I'm single, I have no one to spend it with ... besides God.



The Wiki response really kinda clued me in. The description of St. Valentine made me think of God. Wrote love letters (Psalms), Played a harp (I dont think Jesus necessarily played a harp, but the sound of His voice itself was beautiful), melted peoples hearts (He melts my heart daily!), dressed in red/white (holy, pure, and blameless; yet drenched in blood for our sake), had beautiful wings. I dont know about yall, but this truly reminds me of the King of Kings ... and I think I'm gonna spend my Valentines Day this year "sharing the day devoting my love to the person who I truly care for", according to Answers.com.





So what do I think about Valentines Day? I think Valentines Day can be a super romantic and cute day, for couples. But I can also see it as a day to worship God, and devote some time to Him. Besides, He is love.




John 3:16 "For God SO LOVED the world He gave His only begotten son that WHOEVER believed in Him SHALL NOT perish, but have ETERNAL life."

Look how far I've come.

The testimony of I, Samantha Elizabeth Alvarado, which has been ordained precisely by the Lord God. Beautiful am I, for being a creation of the I Am, and blessed are those who speak of the great thing the Lord is doing.







2006: While bombs were being set off in India and Baghdad, I was a 7th grade student at Northwest Cabarrus Middle School. During this time, a friend of mine invited me to PH, or Providence House. I began attending the meeting of teenagers and middle schoolers every Wednesday night at 6:30, earning myself $5 every Friday for playing a wacky game in front of everyone. Not knowing God, or even caring He existed in this place, I continued going for friends and the money.



2007: Something inside of me wanted attention during this time. Something at home wasn't what I wanted, and I began to self harm. I would rub erasers on my arm until it broke the skin, and became infected. I would hit myself until bruises would develop. But the worste of these, is I would cut myself. With needles, with razors, with scissors; with whatever I could find. This went on for quite some time. After I finally told my mom what had been going on, one of the leaders at PH was contacted. Melissa began "mentoring" me, helping me through my problems and, eventually, working God into my life. Though I didn't completely understand or want to understand what she was saying, the self harm began to decrease and I thought I was done. Later on in the year, around September, I remember lifting my hands in submission to the song "Fire Fall Down" at the altar; and I finally gave my life to God.



2008: My daily self harm had stopped, and I only ran to it when I needed control over something that didn't go my way; bad grades, family, etc. I began my freshman year of high school, and was beginning to understand God a little. Over the summer, a new youth pastor took over PH and began leading it in a new way, which I liked. I was invited to be a part of the PH Discipleship Program, which I felt an honor. It was more of a leadership class, and I was extremely happy that I was finally understanding God, His power, and so I thought, His love. In November I began talking to the boy who would become my first love. We hit it off instantly, and were perfect for eachother. We had enough in common to talk all day everyday, and began dating January 11th of 2009.



2009: Price and I dated until June, and the fall took place in between then. We got intimate in ways we should not have. After feeling conviction from the Holy Spirit, we sat down with his parents and told them what we had done. His parents made us split up, leaving me & my heart completely shattered. Throughout the rest of my freshman year, I dealt with major depression due to the fact I only ever was wrapped up in him, and not in God. Summer of 2009 I attended Verge camp for the very first time; AND I LOVED IT. There was a presence of God so strong there, and I had thought I'd finally found healing and freedom. I went back to school that following August, and lived as though nothing was wrong.



2010: Steal dealing with hurts and pains, I ran from guy to guy hoping the next guy would be better than the previous guy; none of them satisfied the loneliness in my heart. I played church for awhile, claiming to be closer than close to God, and spending time with Him as much as possible. I met a boy via Facebook over the summer, and we began talking, eventually dating. I knew this boy was NOTHING like the man God intended for me to have, and I knew this boy was not saved. Yet, it drew me in even more. I began hanging out with him, and doing things I knew were not pleasing to God. He never truly hurt me as bad as I'd been hurt before, but I know he hurt a bit of me. During the summer of 2010, I attended Verge camp for the second year. And this year, I was saved. There was a moment when I was down at the altar, crying my eyes out, that I knew God had finally ripped apart the chains. He threw them in the face of the enemy and said "No, no more" and I finally said "No, NO MORE!". I was freed from my depression, hurts, pains, and fears this past summer. I was also prophesied over this summer, and was able to build amazing relationships with fantastic woman of God. I started my junior year in 2010, and was representing Jesus like never before. God gave me a hinge moment in 2010, and I took it. Packing up my life, my friends and my family, and moved to Michigan to persue what The Lord has for me.



2011: I followed the Lord to Michigan, and am in search of what He has. I've found a church, I've found a youth group, and I'm starting school soon. God is going to work wonders here in Michigan, and I can't wait to be a part of it!







Psalm 35:9 "Then my soul shall rejoice in the Lord, exulting in his deliverance."
Psalm 36:9 "For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light."

Who are you, oh Lord?

You are merciful - Deuteronomy 4:31.

You are powerful - Revelation 19:6.

You are my portion - Psalm 16:5.

You welcome us.

You reign - Revelation 19:6.

You suffered for our sake - 1 Peter 2:21.

You became flesh and walked among us - John 1:14.

You protect us - Psalm 23:4.

You call us your children - 1 John 3:2.

You dwell inside of us - 1 John 4:12.

You are the creator - John 1:3.

You are the RISEN KING - Mathew 28:7.

You are alive - Romans 14:11.

You are love - John 3:16.

You are the way, truth, and light - John 14:6.

You have come to set us free: forever - John 3:16.

You have come to give us life more abundantly - John 10:10.

You withold NO good thing from us - Psalm 84:11.

You are worthy - 4:11.

You created us in your image - Genesis 1:27.

You died for us - John 3:16.

You guide us - Psam 25:9.

You have come to save us - John 3:16.

You are holy - Leviticus 19:2.

You are REAL - 1 John 4:12.

You provide for us - Mathew 6:33.

You bind our wounds, and heal our brokenhearts - Hosea 6:1.

You give us rest when carrying burdens - Mathew 11:28.

You give us authority over the devil - Luke 10:19.

You love us - John 3:16.

You speak to us - Revelation 3:22.

You direct our steps - Psalm 37:23.

You are the I Am - Exodus 3:14.

You forgive us - Colossians 3:14.

You are perfect - Mathew 5:48.

You are for us - Romans 8:31.

You are everywhere - 139:9.

You walk with us through trials - 23:4.

You test us, and believe in us - Acts 14:22.

You delight in us - 37:23.

You bless us - Psalm 37:22.

You are ours, as we are yours.

You are our salvation - Romans 10:9, Acts 4:12.

You overcame death.

You are faithful - Psalm 89:2.

You are life - John 4:16.

You rule the Earth - Mathew 28:18.

You never change Malachi 3:6.

You walk on waves - 14:29.

You move mountains - Mathew 17:20.

You comfort us - Isaiah 51:12.

You are our Abba, father - Mathew 6:9.

You are all powerful - Luke 18:27.

You are beautiful.

You are strong, and mighty - Proverbs 18:10.

You are our joy - Psalm 16:11.






This merely sums up our God.

What a blurr.

January 28, 2011 at 10:54 PM, and I'm finally coming clean.


That sounds awful. Sounds like I should be saying "HEY EVERYONE, I got high yesterday and went streaking in the snow." Which I didn't, incase you were wondering.





But here lately, I've been so resistant to spending time with God. Late at night when I usually read my Bible, I'm on Facebook or Skype, or watching Degrassi. Its so dumb of me, because I know better than that. When I think about it though, there are so many reasons that I just wanna beat myself up over. Like, He is so worthy & righteous ... He deserves it! Not only that, but this is me saying "Ok, well I'm gonna go watch Degrassi now but I'll deal with you later God. Peace." Like, hello? Does that even make sense?


I'm 100% positive that when Jesus was on the cross, He wasn't like "Oh hey, can I go pig out real quick and then yall can put me up there? Kay cool, thanks." I feel like thats what I'm saying to Him when I do that. But its so hard for me to focus anymore. This moving has been so rough on me, physically/emotionally/spiritually. But I know this move is for God, so it should be easier: right?


WRONG, so wrong. That's only gonna make it harder! Well, easier for the devil to try and attack me ... but harder for me to focus. It was great, actually, I went to a church called Westwinds last Sunday. It was a little weird when I went in, because it was so dark I couldn't see, and the stage was in the center of the room. I thought it was cool though, it reminded me of home. After service, I talked to the youth pastor and his assistant for a few minutes, which was nice and welcoming. Wednesday night I went to Biggbys (YUMMMIEST COFFEE EVEER) with Ben, Brooke, and Tori (the youth pastor, his assistant, and a student from SJ). We weere there for a good hour or so, talking about SJ (student journey, the youth group), Westwinds, God, and just visions. It was so great finally being out talking to believers you know? I'm so used to being with Bekah, or Sarah, and just other believers that I can talk to all the time; which is me being in my comfort zone I suppose. But up here, I have a few people that I can tlak to God about ... and its weird. I dont know, I'm venting now.



But anyways, I just feel like I'm hammering at Him, just being a brat. Yeah, ok. I don't know where I'm going with this anymore ... I got out what I needed out, and I guess thast the point of blogger huh?




Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent." How re-assuring ... :)



I tried to get the picture at the top at the bottom, but thats just not where it wanted to go, obviously. Ha. Just so yall know, I went on a wild hunt for that picture. I felt stirred to put a field in there, with a hill. So I googled like 4 different things to find that, and finally I searched "fields with hill" and looked on that page. God was like "its at the top", so I went and found this. Haha. Maybe thats why its at the otp ... hmm.

Update ... kinda.

Howdy those who read my blogs!

This is day 8 in Jackson, Michigan, and might I say I couldn't be happier. I mean, of course I miss everyone from Concord (Ha, theres a Concord like 20 minutes from my house), but I mean ... just being here 8 days has been amazing! I'm completely blessed. Like, in the simplest ways. My parents went and bought a whole new bed room set (Like, new bed, dressors, mirrors, nightstands, etc) and gave me their old one. So I now have a full size bed, two full size dressers, two nightstands, the comfiest comforter ever and a tv! (As compared to my twin size bed, one nighstand, and no dresser). I'm completely blessed, and extremely humbled. Every morning I wake up, and look through my window and just think to myself "Wow, I am just so blessed!". Since the Lord is doing good things through me, of course the devil is going to throw stuff at me: and he has begun doing so.
I've had an awful attitudd lately. Towards everyone, and its making me mad. Actually, I dont wanna go into that right now.

Anyways! I got accepted into Western High School Thursday, thanks to Karen (moms best friend, and the mayor of Jackson). Since its my junior year, I had the option to do "School of Choice", which just gives me the option to go to whatever school I want pretty much. But for Western, they had like 5 or 6 kids trying to get in, and they only had 2 or 3 spots. What they do is put all the names in a hat and draw the names of students that get to go to the school. But my mom talked to Karen (Again, the mayor) and Karen called Western and got me a spot. She also got my sister a spot at Dibble, where she wanted to go (which is also right across the street from our neighborhood ... no joke).

Last week sometime (I think Monday or Tuesday?) I began looking for churches in the area. I Googled "Contemporary Churches in Jackson, MI" and a church named Westwinds popped up, in huge letters. So I began looking around the website, and found it interesting. So, I decided to email the pastor (I think ... his name was everywhere on the website, so I assume he's the pastor) and asked him a few quesetions about the youth service. He was extremely polite, and got back to me within the next few days or so. He told me all about SJ, student journey, and asked if I'd like to meet with him and his assistant. It was so awesome to be asked that. I truly felt wanted, and it was just exciting to see leaders going after students: especially after they'd just met me! :) So, I'm headed to Westwinds tomorrow morning/night. I'm really excited, because I think this just may be the church! Also, the pastor told me that alot of the students at SJ go to Western, which just so happens to be my school. Hopefully I can make some new friends!

The devil has been throwing alot at me lately. I've decided to talk about that now, haha. The whole attitude thing ... I dont know. I've been really irritable lately: I havn't had sugar in 3 weeks, and I havn't had meat in 2, so I've been having awful headaches which has made me ... grr. Haha. But my sister got a peice of extreme chocolate cake from Olive Garden the other night, and she agreed to let me have it at the end of Selah ... needless to say, I'm pumped. But not only with my attitude, but with a boy ... A BOY! Ha, I havn't been into a boy, and him feel the same, in months ... since ... awhile ago. But I was talking to him, and we liked eachother, but he's back in NC (maybe SC, actually). And it just isn't working. But the devil is so hard trying to make me chase, and be strung along: nuh uh, not me. I've been made for more than that. And I have to tell myself that ALOT, because I wanna be that little puppy ... but hopefully God'll bring me to someone up here ;) Haha. Everyone has told me "Ah! I'm sure you'll meet your husband up there!" Wouldn't that be nice?

Please pray for me! I'm putting in job applications this week, and I so desperately need a job /: I have insurance/gas to pay for, and gas is $3.19-$3.23 up here: yipes!I'm believeing God will provide, and He has thus far: so I have great reason to believe He will :)



Yepp, well, thats all for now folks!
James 1:12 "Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which GOd has promised to those who love Him".